for i am put together with stardust...

2009-09-12T00:57:00.003-06:00

thank you, everyone, for loving me.
the encouragement, especially in the last few hours, has been amazing.
i feel like i have been going kind of blindly in a few areas of my life where most of my peers don't travel (nor should it be normal that they do).

thank you for saying i'm okay at it.

2009-04-20T08:40:00.003-06:00

i know not where
from which this sadness comes, yet
it will not conquer me:
the light of God's face
that shines upon me
will save and restore my joy.

this poem

2009-02-15T22:33:00.003-06:00

while they're saying and agreeing that "it's okay to be affluent, as long as you're generous," and the possibility that taking more than your share could be justified by God, i have to say i agree with the poem i read that says
This poem understands we cannot put a floor on poverty until we are wiling to put a ceiling on wealth... if they are willing for us to define profits for business we will accept their definitions of freedom for humans
because i think love takes taking our own lives, our own decisions, a little more seriously than some would like to comfort themselves, so that they can believe they're alright and don't feel bad for not giving up what they would do better without anyway.

(poem from nikki giovanni, this poem)

a bit from wendell berry

2008-05-19T22:49:00.002-06:00

To the sky, to the wind, then,
and to the faithful trees, I confess
my sins: that I have not been happy
enough, considering my good luck;
have listened to too much noise;
have been inattentive to wonders;
have lusted after praise.
-from a purification

2008-03-31T21:48:00.003-06:00

as i've been thinking, i'm realizing i'm feeling lost, needing something bigger than myself to be a part of... i'm a passionate person, need something to throw myself into that is worth my time, my life... and only searching for happiness isn't making me happy, or even satisfied. i need something more to be doing with my time, something that makes a difference... i need a place where i can speak into the world, where there are people who believe in me and can help me focus my energies into something that can be real, that can be effective, creative, life-changing. i feel i so want to birth something new, to be a part of something beautiful, but i am lost as to what that something is... as i am here with time on my hands, i have lots of projects i can work on, lots of books i can read, but i feel restless, because none of those things i really want to do... i want something that will grab my soul and fill me back up with fire, with passion, with the motivation to keep going. what is this?

. . .

maybe this is what i've been missing... this song describes my life, but i keep forgetting, getting distracted by the everyday things, getting dragged down by little things... how is this?

Try on Life it fits like a glove
and feel what it's like to Be Free
Try breathing and seeking to be an instrument of Love
and encourage one another on the journey
Give thanks to the land and the sky up above
and pour your energy into building a community

Make a space for the traveller to stop and put some love in
Be a shelter from the rushin' and the pushin' and the shovin'
Let the music play all night so we can sing and dance
Grow good organic food and lots of bright flowering plants
Put it in a pot and stir it up with lots-o-lovin'
Roll out the dough and fire up the cob oven
Dig into the dirt so you can take a stronger stance
Educate, Relate and be creative with resistance

Try making a life, filling two new eyes with sight
as husband and wife spin their love and unite
For Unity is the healing force that creates
as community blooms from its embryonic states
Give children wings for flight so that they just might
find new ways of making the light shine more bright
Sing with them dance with them learn with them help them carry their weights
and cherish them for they grow at alarmingly fast rates

try on life - jes karper

la primavera

2008-03-21T22:16:00.002-06:00

i am amazed by how much the sunshine and beautiful weather, the crocuses coming up and getting my hands dirty working in the soil are awakening me, bringing me back to life. i feel like a completely different person, smiling, laughing, dancing, hugging more. i can't believe the wonders the sun has done for me. this spring, i want to be more alive... i want...

to spend a lot of time in the garden, prizing
the dirt underneath my fingernails as a reminder
of the things that will soon be growing
to dance and spin in the sunlight
(especially while tickling little batmans
and laughing uncontrollably)
to read under trees, and fall asleep while wondering
at the way the light comes through the leaves
to get involved in the immigration conversation and
learn more about the new sanctuary movement
to spend a lot of time with the strong women in my life
who give me inspiration and whose presence helps me
to better know myself
to worship my God in this earth She has birthed and
continues to rebirth each year and day and minute and moment
and seek the Kingdom of justice
and of love
that is strength and organic and sometimes a little
sweaty and dirty,
but is so real that it is with me, as i am, each day
even in those hard days
to spend a lot of time creating...
creating love, creating art, creating community;
to allow the creativity within me each cycle to
release and be born tangibly into this world

i am so happy for spring. i have missed you, sun!

2008-02-04T13:16:00.000-06:00

umm.... wasn't there just a blizzard 3 days ago? and the 60's again? just... wow.

loving in community

2007-12-27T23:42:00.001-06:00

...and another hard part of community, i'm learning, especially ones like the catholic worker that provide hospitality, is that you fall in love with the people in your community. you bond with them and grow to be family with them, even if they just move in and you've never seen them before in your life, and even if you're pretty different people. and then you enjoy just the day-to-day of life with them, and you think about how you love just doing life with them... and then, inevitably, some of them, at least, move on... to a better housing situation, to a better job, to another place... and even when you're prepared for it, even when you know it's going to happen eventually, it still hurts, and for me, it hurts a lot, probably because i just sometimes envision this imaginary world where all the people i love live together in one place. but i guess that's what it's like, living in community, loving in community.

christmas lights

2007-12-12T14:39:00.001-06:00

as i watch luna turn the lights
on and off
on and off
i realize that i, too,
just want to see sometimes
that the things i do
make a difference
in the world around me.

lu

2007-11-15T15:19:00.000-06:00

i admire luna because
she is so
adventurous
and curious
and trusting.
i love how
she always gets back up
when she falls,
and she just knows,
without any excessive excitement,
that the right thing to do
is to shuffle through the leaves
(and eat cheese with vigor).

2007-09-09T13:45:00.000-06:00

i heart autumn.

and the sun still shines

2007-08-11T17:25:00.000-06:00

it's amazing how a tiny baby, barely bigger than my two hands, and the energy and joy of young children can remind me to live in hope and love instead of fear and mourning.

it has been a hard day. strange that one of the worst days of the summer followed one of the best days of the summer. but then, the circle of life always shows itself in times like these.

baby kittens.

2007-08-10T13:57:00.000-06:00

i saw life begin today.

children are funny

2007-07-15T16:41:00.000-06:00

on the plane:
child: I saw the ocean! Mama, can we see the whole ocean?
mother: Baby, people go on boats and spend years and years on the ocean, and they still don't see the whole ocean.
child: Daaaaaang!

yesterday:
two of ryan's 6th-grade students crashed the wedding.
one of them: he was trying to tell us without really telling us. but i have a photographic memory, so i remembered.

2007-07-10T23:52:00.000-06:00

my new favorite thing:
late night bike rides.

i could do this every night.

man, i'm so glad mercury is no longer in retrograde. i communicated something fierce tonight.

...agh! so much to do before weddings, road trips, and much-missed friends.

2007-07-03T22:33:00.001-06:00

tonight, i was watching the fireworks with a couple friends and several thousand neighbors, over the mississippi, under the arch, and i thought to myself, "this is my city." and it was a good thought.

there are so many people here i love for so many different reasons. and yet, i still long for others in different places whose presence i adore being in... my sister soulmates, especially.

and today has again shown me i have so much left to learn in life.

... (a prayer, Dag Hammarskjold)
Thou
Whom I do not know
but Whose I am

Thou
Whom I do not comprehend
but Who hast dedicated me
to my fate...

today

2007-07-01T16:21:00.000-06:00

the cat is sleeping on my bed again, and she is using my camera for her pillow, and i think she must have fallen asleep reading the last battle, because i'm pretty sure i left it on my nightstand. but then, she might be having kittens, and my mom did read me those books when i was quite young, so it probably all makes sense when you think about it.

my favorite new pastime includes my bedside fan and my pineapple-scented bubbles, and i like to let the fan blow bubbles until the room is full of them. when other people blow bubbles, i like to eat them.

what is life for again?, because i think i've forgotten and yet i think i'm on the right path, loving people and learning new things like how to speak spanish and maybe some carpentry and i've been discovering lots of new things about myself, but still somehow i feel this thing in the back of my mind like maybe something's missing, but what? and integrating is hard, especially because there are a million things to be integrated, and sometimes they seem a little opposite of one another, you know?

but anyway, i think i need a nap. we took sarah to the airport early this morning, and yeah, i miss her already.

harry and betty

2007-06-24T23:25:00.000-06:00

as i was looking through old photos of my paternal grandparents, i found this pattern in them, where my grandfather is always kind of tilting his head toward my grandmother... somehow i never really remembered him being so much taller than her.

and really, there are so many things i don't remember about them, never knew about them. i knew that they were amazing people, world travelers (to all 50 states, many times, all the Canadian provinces, and 77 foreign countries, as shown on the map in their basement) and that they overcame some pretty incredible challenges to do amazing things - my grandfather was blind, yet published a book and made great advancements for those with limited eyesight in the early days of computers.

but there were (and still are) so many things i didn't know about them. i never understood their desire for peace and justice... my grandfather's spirituality and longing to be a part of change in society, my grandmother's interest in micro-finance and great desire to see peace throughout the world, both of their involvement in their church, especially around issues of peace... and what i have really learned most about since their passing, what i most longed to believe in but had begun to give up on in the past few weeks, is that it is possible to love a person back to health... and not only is it possible, but it is necessary for all of us to have someone there to listen and take us in when times get hard and help us figure things out and love us unconditionally, even when we aren't making sense. and this is my longing, and this is my calling, and this is how together our lives are still unfolding.

in closing, the passage chosen for my grandmother's memorial service, that rings so true to my heart, and so i hear, so true to hers:

In the last days
the mountain of the LORD's temple will be established
as chief among the mountains;
it will be raised above the hills,
and all nations will stream to it.

Many peoples will come and say,
"Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD,
to the house of the God of Jacob.
He will teach us his ways,
so that we may walk in his paths."
The law will go out from Zion,
the word of the LORD from Jerusalem.

He will judge between the nations
and will settle disputes for many peoples.
They will beat their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks.
Nation will not take up sword against nation,
nor will they train for war anymore.
Isaiah 2:2-4

wearing black

2007-06-22T17:01:00.000-06:00

Rest in peace.
The meaning of your lives
is still
unfolding.

Rest in peace.
In me
the meaning of your lives
is still
unfolding.

Rest in peace, in me.
The meaning of your lives
is still
unfolding.

Rest. In me
the meaning of your lives
is still
unfolding.

Rest. In peace
in me
the meaning of our lives
is still
unfolding.

Rest.
-alice walker

with love, goodbye
(for grandma betty
july 31, 1924 - june 14, 2007)

2007-06-20T19:11:00.000-06:00

God, i feel so cluttered. cluttered body, cluttered heart, cluttered life. i am in need of a serious cleansing. but what to purge? there is so much that really must go. i can't live like this any longer.

as i lay with my head on the floor, my ear to the hardwood, i hear the fan beating in the room underneath me, and i like it. all things are interconnected, forever.

2007-06-14T22:46:00.000-06:00

life = sigh

there are too many people to catch up with, to keep in touch with, to show love to. and i am so blessed to have all of them in my life, but also, i am exhausted. i am sorry to those people i have left behind for too long. i am trying.

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.
- The Alchemist; Paulo Coelho

live frugally on surprise (my version)

2007-06-12T19:56:00.000-06:00

washing dishes in the kitchen after a successful house meeting,
listening to nickel creek, i think,
"this is what life is about."
just taking joy in the small things, seeing beauty in
the people around me and the little actions
that make up everyday life.

i am incomparably happy, and i find

excessive happiness in each day.
the weather helps.
but mostly it's people
and trees
and poems.

i am glad to live fully,
being completely present,
desiring no more than
my daily bread
(and of course God's Kingdom on earth).

and there is nowhere else i'd rather be,
although perhaps there are people i wish could share life with me-
especially my sister
and women who are like sisters
and many who i don't know yet but share my dreams and visions and
frame of mind.

because it really is a great place,
this city where i now live-
ripe and longing for community
and new life
and you.

not nice

2007-06-06T07:14:00.000-06:00

i realized this morning that i am really not a very nice person. i do want to learn to love people fully, but doing good deeds randomly is just not my thing. i long to be authentic; to be a part of healing and bring wholeness, but i very much dislike making small talk. i want real, lasting relationships, not to be fake-nice to lots of people i don't know. and for me, it would be fake. so i am perhaps not so nice, but i think i like that about me.

midwest evening

2007-06-02T07:31:00.000-06:00

a perfect night, rainy and muggy
the blue that opens up over cornfields onto a backdrop of trees
a thousand lightning bolts dazzle the sky
that stretches out for miles in all directions
and lightning bugs fly past like shooting stars
as headlights reflect on the street, dancing with rain.

from last night at mass

2007-05-30T10:18:00.000-06:00

Here in this place new light is streaming,
Now is the darkness vanished away,
See in this space our fears and dreamings,
Brought to you in the light of this day,
Gather us in- the lost and forsaken,
Gather us in- the blind and the lame;
Call to us now, and we shall awaken,
We shall arise at the sound of our name.

We are the young- our lives are a myst'ry,
We are the old- who yearn for your face,
We have been sung throughout all of hist'ry,
Called to be light to the whole human race.
Gather us in- the rich and the haughty,
Gather us in- the proud and the strong;
Give us a heart so meek and so lowly,
Give us the courage to enter the song.
-gather us in, mary haugen

clotheslines and a bird holding a worm

2007-05-29T15:06:00.000-06:00

life is bright and vibrant and
there are so many things i want to learn
like belly dancing
and how to live out my ideals,
how to build a worm bin
and how to be fully alive,
speaking spanish
and how to love without holding back.

i love my new friends and my old friends and my way-back-when friends that i get to see every once-in-a-while before they begin new adventures. and i love being near my family.

i invite you to come and live here with me. st. louis is potential and dreams, open spaces and new life, people with passion and people ready to be loved. let's be community and see what God creates of this life together.

two more things i like:

2007-05-24T12:38:00.000-06:00

wind and rain.

also, i like living in st. louis, but i still want to claim illinois as my state... am i allowed to do that?

make new friends, but keep the old

2007-05-23T16:50:00.000-06:00

so change is good and also sad.

things i miss so far:
the worm bin
my garden
house church
many small children
many good roommates
walking to work
diversity
artists' way/ talk about life dates
surprisingly, alone time.

things i love about my new life so far:
many new people
tons of amazing opportunities
community dinners almost every night
being near to my family
cricket-sounds at night
birds in the morning
the sun shining through my window
real trees, everywhere.

this life makes me think of this phrase: going to the abandoned places of empire.

the catholic worker

2007-05-22T12:53:00.000-06:00

so i take back that post about being a hypocrite.
but living out my words and ideals is hard; damn hard, if i may say so.
everything is new and foreign. there is much to learn.
i am overwhelmed and exhausted.
but i think all this is good.

there is a purple marlin outside the window and i am going to do tai chi.
i miss you, every one. call me.

Love letter

2007-05-17T22:11:00.000-06:00

So I was going through a bunch of my old things, sorting out what I could, recycling papers, putting things away for good will, and I found an old letter from high school, from my very own secret admirer. And there was some really good stuff in there. He said I was intriguing and he liked the way I carried myself. I had a beautiful smile, and in fact, I was "one of the most beautiful of God's creatures that I have ever seen."

It's too bad my secret admirer never revealed himself. That was the sweetest letter I have ever received. Now we'll never know.

Little moments.

2007-05-17T22:08:00.000-06:00

A motorcycle ride in the country
brings me peace.
Clumps of yellow wildflowers
among empty cornfields,
the winding road,
my favorite patch of trees.
An old pickup truck,
a barn, a tractor,
little corn sprouts,
perhaps a foot tall.
An old man in a rocking chair,
front-porch sitters,
the elementary school where I grew up.
The sound of the motor
and the wind in my ears,
the warped reflection of my face
in the back of my dad's helmet,
the smell of honeysuckle in the wind.
Little dots of violet
among the tall grasses,
a stream running along the road,
and then we’re home again.

It is these little moments,
vibrant, real, awake,
that make life so sweet.

in the backyard.

2007-05-17T09:22:00.000-06:00

the thing about skip-it's is, you always know they're going to hurt your ankle, but when you see it lying there all alone on the back patio, you can't help putting your foot in the plastic circle and giving it a twirl. (also great are hula hoops. i'm a world class hula hooper, and i will challenge you to hula longer than me any day.)

i skipped it 224 times on my right foot. and 5 times on my left.
so much for being ambidextrous.

hypocrite

2007-05-14T17:22:00.000-06:00

i find out
more and more
each day
that i do not
live out
what i believe
and in fact,
i am terrified
to practice
what i preach.

you will miss me, i will miss you.

2007-05-12T16:58:00.000-06:00

today, eating a carrot pulled directly from the ground and listening to african lullaby as i do my writing bring me joy. also this song some funny people sang to me this morning:

From this area you say you are going
We will miss your red hair and dimpled smile
It's just great that you came to San Diego
Where we've given ya' love and grief fer awhile.

Now you're gonna go be a Catholic Worker
Be a biblical anarchist they say
Just remember to look into those dumpsters
Before you dive... and are in all the way.

Your family will be across the River
The Big Muddy that just keeps rollin' on;
But the part of St. Louis you'll be livin' in
Has your family askin', "What's goin' on?"

God has called yet another young prophet
And there's lots there for her to speak to.
So we give you a hug 'ere you leave us
Arms of justice and tenderness too.

...smiles. that's all i can say. smiles.

...and the greatest of these is love

2007-05-10T15:02:00.000-06:00

(free-writing from 5/8/07)
In all of this, I continue to see love as the bottom line: it all comes down to unconditional, vibrant, dirty, sweaty, beautiful, real, honest, difficult love. Love that gives dignity and respect; that honors the image of God in every person, and that comes from the example of God’s love- which is incomprehensible, of unfathomable depths, a forever love, that knows all of our weaknesses, insecurities, brokenness, sin – as well as all of our passions, dreams, desires – and has created us in these ways. And I suppose this is my basic theology – of all things that I doubt and devise, what I wonder about and can’t understand, I know this: that God is love. Strip me of every other belief, but I find this one is ingrained in me, planted in me, inherently known in my soul. I feel I am literally unable to deny this knowledge. It is a part of my DNA, my bones, my skin, and everything I see around me- in the grass or the sky or the people with whom I interact daily. To deny this would be to deny everything I know of the world.

a piecing together of thoughts on faith and life

2007-05-10T00:41:00.000-06:00

When I was at the San Diego Catholic Worker the other weekend, listening to a lecture on understanding Islam and especially its commonalities with Christianity and specifically, with Catholicism, I was captivated by the concept the speaker brought up of din, an arabic term meaning religion or way of life.

Din (Arabic) is defined a life-way or religion particularly in Islam... The entire system is sometimes referred to din wa-dawla, religion and state (combined), there being no distinction within Islam between religion and politics.

(5/8/07 free-writing) Hmmm... isn't it odd that so much of the church's time is sent on teaching theology and orthodoxy, what are the right things to think and believe - about the world, or God, or people - instead of on how to actually live out Christianity? I mean, there are whole sections of bookstores labeled "Christian living," but for the most part, they just talk about being nice, praying, and reading your Bible. Sometimes how to think. But never about din, about your way of life, about the day-to-day and your whole way of looking at the world, all your status quo assumptions. Never about economics or politics, about the very decisions our lives depend on. If I have a faith, a religion, I do want it to be my din- part of my very soul and identity, from which I cannot separate any part of my life. Else, what is its purpose? I don't want a Christianity that is meaningless and useless during my earth-life - I want one that guides me and is present with me every moment and in every choice.

(And today) I love this concept of din- of a faith being a way of life, as I know Lily has talked about it being for her Muslim students... I want this for my faith... that it is truly my way of life, my worldview. I don't understand this compartmentalization of the sacred and the secular in our society, and how it is generally so accepted in churches. i hear over and over again from pastors i respect that they often receive comments from parishoners like, "you should stick to your area of expertise." But if my Christianity is not relevant to all of my life, every decision and realm of who I am, then is it worth it? If my faith is just about what the right things to believe are or how to pray right or being sure I get into heaven, it is just not enough for me. I need more. I need din, or nothing.
And I think that's okay. The teachings of Jesus seem to point that way- often giving social commentary and describing a new way to be in the world, how to be a part of a new Kingdom of God that is coming, and has come already. That is what I want my faith to be. One that guides each of my decisions... not saying that God thinks I should drink the better-tasting Coke rather than Pepsi, but that perhaps I should look at the practices of both Coke and Pepsi, look at the ways they are exploiting workers and destroying the water tables in the third-world countries where they have their plants, and work on my diet cola addiction.
And I want to know the truth, even if it takes work to find it, and even if finding it means I have to change my actions. Because I think all truth brings me closer to God, and closer to figuring out how my faith can be my life-way.

2007-05-09T14:13:00.000-06:00

ummm... writing is hard.
i forgot.

2007-05-08T17:09:00.001-06:00

standing in the shade on a summer day; slight breeze.

2007-05-06T01:39:00.000-06:00

today, i got to do three things i've been wanting to do/ three of my favorite things:
gardening
go to a barbeque/ hang out with amazing people (including children)
go dancing
my life is fantastic sometimes.

2007-04-27T15:02:00.000-06:00

argh. it feels like it's going to be one of those days. you know, the ones when the whole universe is against you? well, i guess not that bad...
waaah. i just want to watch elizabethtown. with val and christine. val and christine, why are you on the other side of the planet when i want you here?

2007-04-26T23:37:00.000-06:00

when grocery shopping becomes roommate bonding time and house meeting fun, you know you've got mad skillz at enjoying life. and we do. life is good, very good.

in other thoughts, the move is creeping up on me oh-so-quickly. and i am getting excited...

there are so many people i really love in this world. hey, you! i love you. yes, i meant you. so just remember that: you are loved.

2007-04-22T22:43:00.000-06:00

i am so blessed by the people in my life... how do i continue to meet such amazing people? i realize more and more my identity as an extrovert... how, despite my sometimes shy-ness, i truly gain my energy from being with people. and this weekend, though long and busy, was not exhausting or stressful, but energizing, because i got to be in the company of so many people i love. and i am so glad i got to end it at the hawthorne house. being in community with children and eating a common meal are two of my favorite spiritual practices, two of the most visible and hopeful ways i see of being the church and learning to love one another. how am i so rich in friendships? i am so overjoyed, i cannot stop smiling, for my life is surrounded by so much love and beauty in the hearts of the people i have been blessed to get to know during my short time here. i truly find the abundance of life in my relationships.

2007-04-21T23:19:00.000-06:00

well, i just gotta say: that was an awesome event. kind of like a big party. and
i am exhausted. those twelve-hour days....

2007-04-18T00:28:00.000-06:00

and she asks why i am returning to middle earth- i mean west. the middle west. and what can i say except that while i love that things grow all year round here, i miss the seasons and their reflection of life. and while i love the new, thick feel of the huge trees that grow natively, i long for trees whose leaves change colors, and fall in the autumn. (we won't even speak about the falsities of the palms.) i miss camping in real forests. i even miss the humidity, and snow. fireflies and lakes and the country, my piece of country, and storms. my body aches for a crashing rain and the brightness of lightning and the thunderbolt's crack almost as much as for the presence of my family, and their embraces. and old friends. and memories. and familiarity. and home.

i know a place that is full of light,
that is full of dreams and visions bright;
where pleasing fancy loves to roam
and picture me once m ore at home.

there nothing comes to mar my days,
and dim for me the sun's loved rays;
to shake my faith in things divine,
and bare the cruelty of mankind.

oh! that i to that spot might flee!
that peace and love might dwell with me
and brush away the somber shrouds,
and show the lining of the clouds!
-home, zora neale hurston (though, i must say, a little more giddy than i feel...)

2007-04-16T19:55:00.000-06:00

i am broken-hearted over virginia tech. and couldn't it have just as easily been my friends, my classmates, my sister, myself? and maybe, in some small way, it is. but i so wonder, in places like this, what it means when people call for justice to be done. because haven't we all, in many ways, contributed to the brokenness of those who lose their love of life and so break entirely? not that it may ask us all to take the blame, but lead us to love more, bring wholeness instead of brokenness. i fear that when we call for justice, what we are really asking for is revenge.

also telling, i felt, was that the headline about the shootings, with the story of our president's statement of remorse, was followed directly by a story where the same man pressed for more funding for the war... but can't we see how these are linked? if we teach violence as the answer for our national problems, how can we not expect to learn and imitate this violence? this story reveals to me a young man who felt he had no other choice, who was lost and broken, and was somehow led to violence as the last remaining answer for his problems, whatever they were. wouldn't true justice, then, to be to teach love and peace, instead of more violence and anger, to our children? would not that honor those we have lost more than finding a scapegoat to absolve our grief? would that not better prevent further violence? we cannot end violence through violence. let us instead move more passionately and aggressively toward peaceful ways of resolving conflict- within ourselves and with others. would you rather have a beautiful garden planted, a scholarship for peacemaking, a foundation for those loved by your loved one in her honor, or a law that causes greater punishment, another death, another lost child told that he has no hope?

and though i still feel like i am in a phase of mourning, though not for my own beloved, i find the small joys around me in being alive... in my first of what will surely be many walks home from work, i am blessed by the things i see and hear around me... the flowers and different homes that tell the stories of so many lives and families, the laughter of brothers playing ball behind their house, a conversation between two men passing on the street, the always funny conversations of teenagers after school. and as always, i love the diversity... in accents and faces, it is so beautiful. if there are twenty more beautiful things about biking than driving, there are another twenty that you gain by slowing down to walk... twenty things you miss when you're going faster, being more closed off to the world. i look forward to finding thirty new paths between my home and my work before i leave, to discovering new sights and observing different lives each time. and so there is joy even in the seemingly frustrating parts of life, like theft. and maybe that's what it means that God makes all things new.

2007-04-13T20:46:00.000-06:00

hey y'all. come to my conference. fo' real. it's gonna be tight.

www.pointloma.edu/sustainable

The Lifestyles for a Sustainable World Symposium seeks to gather those from the San Diego community in order to search together for more hopeful and sustainable ways to live in our world. We find ourselves in a cultural and economic context where our everyday habits, household practices, congregational lives and business practices on the whole participate unreflectively in the gluttony of our modern hyper-consumer world. We hope to find practical ways to choose new creation and hope rather than continuing in patterns that are destructive to the environment and exploitative to our brothers and sisters around the globe.

We come together for this event to better understand how to live out sustainable practices in our lives and identify the powers that influence our choices. We hope to create space for dialogue between people with different stories, to experience the interplay between spirituality and sustainability, and to find practical actions for our own lives as well as ways to be a part of greater societal and structural change. We’ll have two keynote speakers, relating sustainability to the scientific forces behind our changing environment and to our spiritual and faith practices and beliefs, workshops that look at both the theory and practice of sustainable living, and conclude with a common meal where we can together review what we have learned and begin to practice these lifestyles of sustainability.

2007-04-13T19:49:00.000-06:00

...and then my bike was stolen. boooooo.

2007-04-13T00:32:00.000-06:00

i painted. but i a little shy about it. it's prettier in real life, i promise. mostly the colors. more vibrant, you know. (like me, i hope!)

2007-04-10T23:32:00.000-06:00

wine and ice cream: so we are women.
and sexy, phenomenal women at that.

2007-04-10T00:08:00.000-06:00

from yesterday's morning pages...

...Love... I don't know, I feel like it should do that, even just be validating who someone is... letting them know they are valuable, worthwhile, desired.. .that they are lovable... frees them up to be more honest, real, vulnerable... or just who they really are. It's like that verse - perfect love drives out fear - the fear of being rejected or disliked, deceived or laughed at - knowing you will be loved no matter what means that you can be free to act as you really feel, say what your heart is relaying, work things out. You don't have fear of being hurt as much, so you are able to give more of yourself up to others, able to discover who you really are, be open about your imperfections, try things out and fail - because there will be someone- or some others- there to still love you and say you're lovable and valuable.

You can travel through your journey of life without always being afraid of stepping off the path, and to run and dance along the path, to skip and leap and spin instead of making such tiny, measured, careful steps where each one has to be exactly right. This way is also more fun - not to mention you get farther, even if you have to get back on the path after trying the wrong side road a few times. So maybe that's part of what partnership is- being able to encourage one another to be fully alive, to fulfill your dreams, to dare to make a mistake. To live out your destiny. To discover who you were meant to be. To step out of the ruts of the measured life and try something scary.

I think maybe this is a little glimpse of something of God. It's like what Sarah was saying about how we as a body pull out the God inherent in each one of us, and so we together become more of who we were created to be. We learn from one another, resonate together, challenge one another, as a whole become more fully human; fully real- and in that become more fully like the God whose image is in each of us. I want this kind of dirty, sweaty, growing, living love - in community and in covenant.

Dare to love, dare to live. Dare to be real and take risks. And learn. And change. Always change. Always in motion, always on a journey, never arrived, always dancing. And finding joy in learning how much more there is to learn, because though if at first it is overwhelming, it brings hope of a more real life and an abundance of more joy out there to be discovered. And confusion is okay along the way. Even good.

2007-04-08T02:20:00.000-06:00

He is Risen ~ He is Risen indeed!

and so concludes my first and best easter vigil i can imagine... silence, prayer, meditation, candles, then bells, music, food, and wine. rejoice. in what, i am still unsure, but i am sure that there is cause for rejoicing. and tonight, as i sat and contemplated, i realized that as the first disciples met together after the death, they were just as confused and lost as i am... and i don't know that i'm ever going to figure it out, really, at least not all the way. because i know a little bit of what His life meant, what kind of a Kingdom or reign He was proclaiming, but what does that mean now that He has been killed? and how does His death bring life, stretch out to heal our broken world? and what, other than great rejoicing, is His resurrection? at times there are glimpses, but never a full picture. but i am overjoyed for the glimpses. i long to live for the glimpses again.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

2007-04-02T01:36:00.000-06:00

this month is going to fly by. (but in a good way)

2007-03-31T10:16:00.000-06:00

peace is not
sterile gauze, a snowflake, an insipid dove
it's feisty and rich

don't let the war boys hog it all
the spit, the spice and the glamour

peace is potency
reaching and sprouting
budding and branching

it's lifting things
a good scrap
a hot wrestle and a cool scrub
cleansing and hope.

peace is the empowerment of dust
whispers of the song before origin
as out of seed
the cathedral of the body builds itself

it's spasms and metamorphoses
the vertigo
of mind dancing
with the fecundator
to the music of need.

peace
is little orange bees
spotted ladybugs on white campions
late june with a stink of linden
prickles and burrs

it's wild grapes in a bramble
a tough nut

lovers churching
through the night, at noon, in the morning
a juicy comeuppance
for the grim suppressors.

peace
is for the star-biters and the rooted
don't be dainty
go at it
hammer and tong.

peace is not purity
limp, neat and dry.
it's sexy.

-cilfford browder

2007-03-29T02:41:00.000-06:00

so...
my favorite part of working out is hearing the crickets on the ride back home and
its been a blustery few days and
groceries are better to get with roommates and
i've never blown out eggs before today and
belly dancing lessons on youtube is silly fun and
life is purty good.

2007-03-25T10:16:00.000-06:00

and so, as i lay there in my rare bath (of only a handful each year), tiny droplets of water bouncing off my chest onto my lips and eyelashes like a thousand tiny kisses, the warm water wrapping around me like a soft blanket, i thought, "bathtubs are a sign of riches." and i knew there was nowhere else i wanted to be in that moment.

and as i thought back on the way things used to be, where water gathered from wells or other sources had to be heated in a tub, where rivers and streams were the bathing places, i remembered the wealth in having water, from tap, and already heated, pouring down onto me.

and so i want to remember these riches as they are... riches. not to be taken for granted, but enjoyed fully and as a special treat, knowing i am blessed to have this magnificent comfort. i want to find the richness and vibrance, the deep colors of life; i want my life to look like those bright colors- i want my life to look alive.

2007-03-25T02:00:00.000-06:00

goodness gracious. great balls of fire!

no, literally. this evening, i saw a fireball. that made my week. how often does that happen?

2007-03-20T09:17:00.000-06:00

O God of grace and glory, we remember before You this day our brother Matthew. We thank You for giving him to us, his family and friends, to know and to love as a companion on our earthly pilgrimage. In your boundless compassion, console us who mourn. Give us faith to see in death the gate of eternal life, so that in quiet confidence we may continue our course on earth, until, by Your call, we are reunited with those who have gone before; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen
BCP p. 493

Happy birthday, Matt.

2007-03-15T23:50:00.000-06:00

let's celebrate st. patrick's day by eating potatoes and listening to nickel creek (also self-supplemented by flogging molly and some other fun ruckus). and let's celebrate pi day by eating pi(e). and let's celebrate life by sharing it. that's community. hurrah!

2007-03-15T10:53:00.000-06:00

if it looks too good to be true and feels like everything i've been dreaming of, then... should i jump at the chance or wait to make sure?
decide or discern?

2007-03-11T20:53:00.000-06:00

time to begin the long list that is figuring out my future. (or at least, the next step in it)

also, time to eat a really huge pancake.

2007-03-07T23:29:00.000-06:00

things i liked about today:
the smell of fresh-cut grass
sunshine
watching the kitty chase crickets
reading outside
the perfect breeze
talking with a good friend and
remembering wisdom
mexican folk music
a taste of humility

2007-03-06T20:28:00.000-06:00

words that i like that start with "en-"
enable. enamor. enchant. encircle. encourage. endear. endure. enfold. engage. engross. enmesh. enrich. entice. envelop. enkindle. enliven. entrust. entangle. endeavor. entrance. and the one that began it all, enjoy.

2007-03-06T19:07:00.000-06:00

i ate a graham cracker and then i ate a chocolate and it tasted like a s'more. or at least part of it.

it's amazing what some sunshine and good music can do for my attitude. too bad it took alanis morisette to remind me that
what is all comes down to
is that everything's gonna be quite alright
and
what it all boils down to
is that no one's really got it figured out just yet.

which is good. because i was kind of starting to freak out there for a second. so maybe i just need to look at it all in a different light... i can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. i'm free, i'm strong, and i'm beautiful. so really, it's alright being me.

2007-02-28T18:44:00.000-06:00

today, the kitty curled up on my lap and looked into my eyes.
she was playful and affectionate and purred that she loved me.
i hope i never need to get a kitty because
i would rather get those things from people.
(playfulness and affection and love, that is.)

2007-02-26T19:16:00.000-06:00

has it been a month already?
i suppose it has, in more ways than one. february has not been good to me. i think march will be better. my favorite person was born in march. that's something, right?
i like new months. it's amazing how there are so many new beginnings in life. i'm ready to start looking forward in joy and anticipation.

2007-02-23T12:38:00.000-06:00

"All of the great ones—the saints, the bodhisattvas, and all of those who are filled by the spiritual light—have been on this journey. They went into the wilderness, stepping, like fools, off of the safe paths, into the waiting hands of their gods and goddesses. This is the journey of life, a pilgrimage that begins in ignorant trust, passes through all of the doubts, fears, ups and downs, probably all of the delusions, and certainly all of the confusions. Through it, we learn slowly, painfully, a new kind of trust, a trust in the process, detached from the goal."

- From The Faeries' Oracle by Brian Froud and Jessica Macbeth

2007-02-18T00:20:00.000-06:00

how does one move from a dream world to the real world? i've been living in my mind so long, i can hardly remember what it is to be present. someone, help me awaken! i want to see, touch, hear, smell, taste life again. i want to be grateful for how blessed i am here and now instead of always dreaming about the future. but i don't know how anymore. how can i have forgotten what it is to be alive?

2007-02-16T02:01:00.000-06:00

while looking out the plane window, i wondered what all those flickering lights were in all the houses. thousands of them across the city. and then i realized they were televisions. and then i was sad.

on another note, things i like:
the scent of peeling cucumbers
getting my hands dirty in the garden
roommates who love me
my family
(for a start)

also, i was thinking, my sisters are the only people i feel i come even close to loving somewhat selflessly and unconditionally. but it doesn't hurt that they're so amazing. they keep surprising me with how awesome they are. (but then, how can i know if i really love them unconditionally, since they're so great?)

2007-02-13T21:28:00.000-06:00

a poem i like:

And you inherit the green
of vanished gardens
and the motionless blue of fallen skies,
dew of a thousand dawns, countless summers
the suns sang, and springtimes to break your heart
like a young woman's letters.

You inherit the autumns, folded like festive clothing
in the memories of poets; and all the winters,
like abandoned fields, bequeath you their quietness.
You inherit Venice, Kazan, and Rome;

Florence will be yours, and Pisa's cathedral,
Moscow with bells like memories,
and the Troiska convent, and that monastery
whose maze of tunnels lies swallowed under Kiev's gardens.

Sound will be yours, of string and brass and reed,
and sometimes the songs will weem
to come from inside you.

For your sake poets sequester themselves,
gather images to churn the mind,
journey forth, ripening with metaphor,
and all their lives they are so alone...
And painters pain their pictures only
that the world, so transient as you made it,
can be given back to you,
to last forever.

All becomes eternal. See: In the Mona Lisa
some woman has long since ripened like wine,
and the enduring feminine is held there
through all the ages.

Those who create are like you.
They long for the eternal.
They say, Stone, be forever!
And that means: be yours.

And lovers also gather your inheritance.
They are the poets of one brief hour.
They kiss an expressionless mouth into a smile
as if creating it anew, more beautiful.

Awakening desire, they make a place
where pain can enter;
that's how growing happens.
They bring suffering along with their laughter,
and longings that had slept and now awaken
to weep in a stranger's arms.

They let the riddles pile up and then they die
the way animals die, without making sense of it.
But maybe in those who come after,
their green life will ripen;
it's then that you will inherit the love
to which they gave themselves so blindly, as in a sleep.

Thus the overflow from things
pours into you.
Just as a fountain's higher basins
spill down like strands of loosened hair
into the lowest vessel,
so streams the fullness into you,
when things and thoughts cannot contain it.
-Rilke, from Love Poems to God

2007-02-13T13:01:00.000-06:00

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854)

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. -Thoreau

my days lately have been less than deliberate, not really savoring each moment or tasting my life... more of it has been in the world of my mind, a dream, really, whether in debating theoretical concepts or dreaming of what my future my hold (and which future of the many i envision i will take ahold of). i haven't been enjoying the way the sun comes in through the window, or the sounds on the wet street, or just being. in this, i see how silence and solitude allows one to experience life more fully... yet it is so hard. it is not that i want to live for the moment, but in the moment. when will i wake up? when will i learn to
love with an open heart
live with arms wide open
stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back
expect hope trust
love what is plentiful as much as what is scarce
be still and know

2007-02-05T12:25:00.001-06:00

February 5, 10am: 80F.
California, you are a strange animal.

2007-02-04T20:23:00.001-06:00

not someday, but now.

2007-02-04T01:22:00.000-06:00

saying goodbye is hard,
but not getting to say goodbye is harder.

2007-02-01T10:37:00.000-06:00

"The observance of the tithe might easily produce a tight-lipped self-righteousness such as Jesus attributed to the praying Pharisee in his parable. But to think of the tithe as an act of self-denial was to miss the whole point of it. It was intended to be a most almighty beano, a party to celebrate the Lord's generosity.

Year by year you shall set aside a tithe of all the produce of your seed, of everything that grows on the land. You shall eat it in the presence of the Lord your God... When the journey (to Jerusalem) is too great for you to be able to carry your tithe, then you may exchange it for silver. You shall tie up the silver and take it with you to the place which the Lord your God will choose. There you shall spend it as you will, on cattle or sheep, wine or strong drink, or whatever you desire; you shall consume it there with rejoicing, both you and your family in the presence of the Lord your God. You must not neglect the Levites who live in your settlements (Deuteronomy 14:22-27).

A spending-spree, whisky and all, to make our commercial Christmas look like a Lenten fast! That was their way of saying thank you to God. Such sponateous, lavish celebration is the absolute opposite of the greedy spirit of grasping, hoarding, exploiting and turning everything back into greater profits. And this generosity to oneself goes hand in hand with generosity to those who are less fortunate or less secure.

At the end of every third year you shall bring out all the tithe of your produce for that year, and leave it in your settlements so that the Levites, who have no holding or patrimony among you, and the aliens, orphans, and widows in your settlements, may come and eat their fill. If you do this, the Lord your God will bless you in everything to which you set your hand (Deuteronomy 14:28-29)."

from enough is enough, by john v taylor

I like that. A joyful, generous faith.

2007-01-28T19:16:00.000-06:00

"The call to simplicity and freedom for Christians is the call to move from achievement-oriented spirituality to a life center on a shared vision of relatedness to people and things, a relatedness of gentleness, of compassion, of belonging to one another." - Richard Bower
That faith isn't about achieving something, but about relationships, God's love. I truly believe that Christianity begins and ends in God's love... So it is hard for me to evangelize or even explain my faith... I am a Christian because God loves me, more than I have ever been loved or can comprehend... Because in God, I know I am loved no matter what, and I know God understands me, knows my heartbreak, knows my faults and insecurities and the problems that come out of me because of those, ... and in that God loves me just as much or more than when I am doing something right... all else of faith comes out of that... trusting and seeking God's will because God knows me better than I know myself and knows where I will find fulfillment and joy and growth, seeking justice because God's love fills me to overflow and desire to love others in the same way (though my own love is always faulty, or most often, half-baked), and it is hard to love someone when you are oppressing them or dependant on their place beneath you or as cheap labor that sustains your wealthy lifestyle. But if it is not love that is authentically prompting these things, they are... I don't know... not enough... lacking. Empty? So I see Christianity about love, how love acts, what it demands, and its unconditionality, and the Bible as a story of God's people beginning to understand that love, going through a journey of that love.

2007-01-24T12:17:00.000-06:00

Love all God's creation, the whole of it and every grain of sand. Love every leaf, every ray of God's light! Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. And once you have perceived it, you will begin to comprehend it ceaselessly, more and more every day. And you will at last come to love the whole world with an abiding, universal love.
-Fyodor Mikhail Dostoevsky

I want to live like this... I have missed living with awe of life around me, the "divine mystery in things." This is my resolution for the week... to actively love what is around me.

2007-01-18T11:04:00.000-06:00

They worked hard at Hyoi's boat till noon and then spread themselves on the weed close to the warmth of the creek, and began their midday meal. The war-like natue of their preparations suggested many questions to Ranson. He knew no word for war, but he managed to make Hyoi understand what he wanted to know. Did seroni and hrossa and pfifltriggi ever go out like this, with weapons, against each other?
'What for?' asked Hyoi.
It was difficult to explain. 'If both wanted one thing and neither would give it,' said Ransom, 'would the other at last come with force? Would they say, give it or we kill you?'
'What sort of thing?'
'Well- food, perhaps.'
'If the other hnau wanted food, why should we not give it to them? We often do.'
'But how if we had not enough for ourselves?'
'But Maleldil will not stop the plants growing.'
'Hyoi, if you had more and more young, would Maleldil broaden the handramit and make enough plants for them all?'
'The seroni know that sort of thing. But why should we have more young?'
Ransom found this difficult. At last he said:
'Is the begetting of young not a pleasure among the hrossa?'
'A very great one, Hman. This is what we call love.'
'If a thing is a pleasure, a hman wants it again. He migth want the pleasure more often than the number of young that could be fed.'
It tood Hyoi a long time to get the point.
'You mean,' he said slowly, 'that he might do it not only in one or two years of his life but again?'
'Yes.'
'But why? Would he want his dinner all day or want to sleep after he had slept? I do not understand.'
'But a dinner comes every day. This love, you say, comes only once while the hross lives?'
'But it takes his whole life. When he is young he has to look for his mate; and then he has to court her; then he begets young; then he rears them; then he remembers all this, and boils it inside him and makes it into poems and wisdom.'
'But the pleasure he must be content only to remember?'
'That is like saying, "My food I must be content to eat."'
'I do not understand.'
'A pleasure is full grown only when it is remembered. You are speaking, Hman, as if the pleasure were one thing and the memory another. It is all one thing. The seroni could say it better than I say it now. Not better than I could say it in a poem. What you call remembering is the last part of the pleasure, as the crah is the last part of a poem. When you and I met, the meeting was over very shortly, it was nothing. Now it is growing something as we member it. But still we know very little about it. What it will be when I remember it as I lie down to die, what it makes in me all my days till then - that is the real meeting. The other is only the beginning of it. You say you have poets in your world. Do they not teach you this?'
-p.72-73, Out of the Silent Planet, by C.S. Lewis

... i love the way this passage presents a different way of looking at the world, a different norm. that greed and hoarding are not the norm, but don't make sense, and trust in God, Maleldil, does. and i love the way it describes memory- as part of the experience, not as separate from it, and continuing on. so even when i leave my friends, we are still meeting, and we will not know what our meeting means until we see how it has shaped us in the end... it is more than the idea of leaving a part of oneself in another person, but a transformation through the knowing of a person that continues, so in a way the person is still there even when they are not physically there anymore. and it deepens my understanding of how relationships are the most real and definite way to change the world... not through some institution or program, but through being real and authentic and loving the people around you.

2007-01-12T10:44:00.000-06:00

some reflections from my journal triggered by last night's conversation...

it is still hard for me to picture You as Mother... it's weird because it's not like my father was perfect, yet i can imagine You as Father so quickly... mostly because i've done it so often, for so long - and my mother is wonderful, yet I have no idea what it means that You are my Mother - still the Biblical God, but as mother - I just don't understand, probably because there are almost no writings from that viewpoint, and there are tons from the other, describing and explaining You as father

... and truly something in me shies away and even cringes when i try to imagine what it means that You are Mother - uniquely and truly feminine... perhaps it is true, I have succumbed to the claim that women are the weaker sex, the dumber ones, the less valuable ones. I devalue myself when I believe that... and yet, somehow, arrogantly, I feel I am part of the minority that is greater than normal females or maybe less feminine in some of my qualities...

I have given into the lies that label men as the stronger sex, the provider, the sturdy and consistent ones, while women are moody, unconstant, weak, sensitivie and generally dainty. What has this done to my self-image and view of women? I think this is why I hesitate in picturing God as woman. How do I fight these lies? Why is it that the good qualities in strong women are labeled as masculine, while her weaknesses are uniquely feminine? Why can't I see a new image of woman, especially as the indigenous woman, who works just as hard as the man and often is given more responsibility and leadership:
woman is mother - who births new life, nurturing life inside her and so around her as she cares for the earth. woman is in tune with the rhythms of the earth through the cycles of her own body - let us see this not as a curse, but a blessed part of life and creation... woman is therefore in tune with herself, understanding and dealing with her feelings. woman works hard in the field to provide the every day sustenance for her family. she teaches her children to become adults; so often in this country, she does it without a partner. woman longs for peace - she teaches these ways to her children and so can teach these ways to the world.

... and even after all that, I have trouble seeing God as woman... but maybe it's the tiniest bit better... and so it must be, through practice, it will become more and more natural.
I still have much to work through - it seems clear to me that this problem is linked to my own personal identity problems and my weaknesses and faults and how i see myself as a woman. It is hard to love myself as I am, in my imperfections, and still see a perfect example of a woman in God's identity.

God, please reveal Yourself to me as mother; give me a chance to experience You as woman, as the divine feminine.
---
Another thought I had as I continued to reflect on this is that I truly don't know what it means to be woman... all the definitions I have come from the way culture and society has forced women to be through time, or as a reaction to that definition... but what are women- truly and honestly, if women became what God created us to be as humans in the Creator's image? without the years of oppression and inequality, with imposed roles as housewives or virgins to be wooed? what does it mean to be a woman? i am at a loss.

2007-01-10T00:03:00.000-06:00

It is not enough to talk. Our Western societies are sick of marlizing about world poverty. We need a thoughtful, convinced minority that will live in such a way as to challenge the cherished beliefs of the consumer society and defy its compulsions.
p. 65, enough is enough by john v. taylor

...Yet, inasumch as the systems often impose the attitudes, we have to defy them also; and this calls for a counter-culture of families and groups that cannot be conned or manipulated because they simply do not accept the accepted values or pursue the ambiions that are expected of them... We need a rapidly increasing minority that is entirely counter-suggestible, a minority that calls the bluff of the trend-setters, is a dead loss to the advertising agencies and poor material for the careers advisers... Our need is for men and women who are free with the freedom of Christ, free to ask the awkward questions that have occurred to no one else, and free to come up with startling answers that no one else has dared to give.
p. 69

i have been working on this course for work about saying enough and living simply instead of succumbing to the consumerism that is so prevalent in this country, and there are so many passages from this book, written thirty years ago and now out of print, that are still completely relevant and could have been written today. this idea, too, is something i have been thinking about a lot lately... that the way to change the world is simply to live- to live authentically and honestly and to really live up to what we believe... knowing that the greatest impact we have is on people we live with and around... i'm really beginning to long for this life where i can set down roots and commit to a people, a community, to love and live with them, to be there for the long haul and put my own word and body in when things need to change, to be a part of a people who make change by loving people, and loving them holistically... and there is this idea that people are drawn to those who are living in a different way, that this kind of life is contagious and grows like a weed (or a mustard seed). *sigh* i'm slowly learning to give up this savior complex... i can't save the world, but i can live, i can love my neighbor wherever i am... and perhaps that is what i am really called to- as a human being and as a child of God.

2007-01-09T20:07:00.000-06:00

something in the air today had this feeling, like it reminded me of something, or sometime... and i kept trying to remember what... but something in it felt like home... like a cool summer's day, or maybe late spring, with just the right breeze and the right scent in the air... i don't know what it was, but it just made the day that much better.

2007-01-08T01:12:00.000-06:00

children bouncing on furniture, music up, grills outside, slight chill, leaves on ground, abundance-feast of food, amazing people... this is pure joy.
sharing life, meals, common bread and wine, conversation, honesty, vulnerability... this is Christ's body.

2006-12-19T18:49:00.001-06:00

(for matt)

so they want to make, in your memory, a law
to more heavily punish those like jennifer...
ironic, knowing your infrequency of anger
and bad habit of talking on the phone while driving.

personally, i would prefer to remember you
by planting a rose garden or an orchard in your name...
but i understand and respect that others grieve
and knew you differently than did i.

they said you were too good for this earth,
an angel who had to be taken to heaven...
but i remember your imperfections, your secrecy
and troubles with honesty (and not just about your age).

sometimes, you drove me crazy
with your stubbornness, but i am so glad
you were human... i want to remember you
as you, not some perfect picture.

they said you were so smart,
and you were, but i remember when
you rented an apartment, in the middle of the ghetto, completely unfurnished.
you slept on a mattress on the floor for 2 months.

they all say you were always smiling,
but i remember both the blank look
when you were distracted and wouldn't let anyone in
and the serious look when you were explaining the scientific
technicalities you knew so well.

they say how much you impacted their lives,
and you did me, too,
but i know as well what a difference i made in yours
and i am humbled.

they talk about how you strengthened their faith,
but i remember you never wanted to talk about it,
were too shy to say what you believed
except that you loved your church.

and yet it was a joy to watch you grow,
brought me more faith and joy and love for you
when you would talk about growing in your
newman retreats and Bible classes and adventures in nature.

they remember how you knew everyone,
but i wonder how deeply you really did
and read your postcard that says how hard
it was that one summer getting to know people.

they said you were so friendly,
and you were, but i remember your shyness
and not always knowing what to say...
not always having to say something.
you were such a good listener.

today, as i rode my bike to work,
my hands freezing, i remembered your gloves,
and the ones i always meant to send you, as a gag gift,
and i wished i had your hands to warm mine - or at least your gloves.

as i see your message from last christmas,
wishing mine to be happy, and missing me...
i have been good, and i miss you too...
i wish i didn't have to miss you so long, brother.

i love you, friend.

2006-12-08T01:03:00.000-06:00

do we truly even live in a true capitalist society, a true market economy, any longer? the forces of supply and demand have been manipulated and distorted to something false and artificial - demand is no longer determined by need or true desire, but by commercialism and the advertising industry - instead of the demand being met by a supply, we change the demand according to what supply we have. is this any longer a true market? are we any longer living by "the invisible hand" to work harder when it is really the new visible hand of advertising, spilling lies into our brain from every outlet possible, that pushes us to work longer hours, take on another mortgage or loan, get more needless stuff, and end up with less happiness? it doesn't seem so to me.

2006-12-05T13:21:00.000-06:00

i sit here, the sun streaming through the window, dust floating slowly, quietly. as i eat my orange, tiny sprays of juice mist from the peel. i am captivated. something about this moment feels... right. peaceful, perhaps. the silent, graceful, gentle dance of the dust seems deliberate, knowing that the rush of life is really for nothing. i see this hurried pace of life in the people i love who surround me here, and i cannot understand it. life is too short to waste in the everyday hurry... much too short, for some.

2006-11-23T03:01:00.000-06:00

lovely day: i found a grand homey new produce shop that i love just being within, and there was told i was beautiful, "absolutely beautiful." i must say, i do like that every now and then. and as i walked down my street, the smell of cinnamon or some sweet-smelling wood burning in the air, and everyone with holiday smiles for whoever passed their way (which happened to be me, and what a joy it was).
---
i think... i want my life to be like wonder woman. i see many similarities in our life missions:

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
All the world's waiting for you,
and the power you possess.

In your satin tights,
Fighting for your rights ...

Make a hawk a dove,
Stop a war with love,
Make a liar tell the truth. ..
and mostly.. Change their minds, and change the world.

that sounds like me. love people, change the world, end war, bring out truth. pretty much my hopes for my life. but then, maybe i just want the invisible plane.

2006-11-17T22:31:00.000-06:00

and joy is all my dreams fulfilled...
trees aflame with color and
crispness in the air,
jumping in leaf-piles and
spinning in circles with
my littlest sister,
going into her imaginery world and
making up some of my own
(with fairies and starlight).
today, naps and swings and walks
in the park with my
not-so-little sister.
peace and music and wisdom
heard on the way,
tomorrow, a girls-trip for
family and celebration.

2006-11-13T14:13:00.001-06:00

i miss the pentaverate porch.
i miss the pentaverate.
i miss chicago,
rain and
leaves and snow
friends and family and
friends that are like family.

2006-11-08T01:32:00.001-06:00

life is beautiful
and
i love my sister
that is all
there is to say.

2006-11-04T21:26:00.000-06:00

i love this poem.

nikki giovanni's a poem of friendship

We are not lovers
because of the love
we make
but the love
we have

We are not friends
because of the laughs
we spend
but the tears
we save

I don't want to be near you
for the thoughts we share
but the words we never have
to speak

I will never miss you
because of what we do
but what we are
together

2006-11-02T12:40:00.000-06:00

i am continually inspired and excited by the stories of those living in a different way... why do we think we need to always go and evangelize and change the poor and the indigenous... perhaps it is they that understand God's Kingdom and we who need to sit and listen as they teach us what it is to be the church. the desire to be a collective, to take care of one another, to treat one another with equality and inclusivity, learning from the worldviews of one another, and to share the little they have with others who are in need... why can we not follow this real example? they are living proof that the church can stand together, can live in a new way without heirarchical systems and oppression, striving not for individual independence and competition, but instead for interdependence and cooperation. their vision sets my heart to dreaming and longing to live differently, yet i also must take caution against romanticizing their lives, for it is also a hard way to live and has cost many of them their lives in standing non-violently against oppression and injustice.
the following is from a book written by a colleague in my organization: Las Abejas: Pacifist Resistance and Syncretic Identities in a Globalizing Chiapas, by Marco Tavanti

The image of the bees makes them all members of the organization equal as "workers for the kingdom of justice, love and peace." ...Like bees, they work as a collective movement. And like the little insects that fly around a variety of flowers, their religious worldview is inclusive of Catholic, Presbyterian and Mayan traditionalist identities. They explain the choice of their name in this way:

We called ourselves Las Abejas because we are a multitude able to mobilize together... Like the bees we want to build our houses together, to collectively work and enjoy the fruit of our work. We want to produce 'honey' but also to share with anyone who needs it. We are all together like the bees, in the same house, and we walk with our Queen, which is the Kingdom of God. We know that, like the little bees, the work is slow but the result is sure because it is collective.

Some other members identify their iconigraphic image of the bees with their political intent and active resistance against the government:

The bee is a very small insect that is able to move a sleeping cow when it pricks. Our struggle is like a bee that pricks, this is our resistance, but it's non-violent. We do this because we need to defend who we are... we need to live as people."

2006-10-21T23:48:00.000-06:00

sometimes i wish
i could have held his broken body in my arms
just so i could believe this is real.

----
and a poem for the day:
santa anas
second summer
clothed in warmth
and sunshine
can this be
october?

2006-10-13T23:57:00.000-06:00

rain!
my joy has come, i dance and jump and run outside... the street glistens, the raindrops shine in the streetlight... i take a walk, i jump in puddles, i spin and squeal (i gather spectators)... mostly, i rejoice. my wet hair and soggy pants are prized trophies on this day... and i am reconciled with sounds i have missed- cars driving through puddles, rainspouts dripping their excess, and a low rumble of thunder. it is a glorious day!
...
and a little more joy:
i will not play at tug o' war
i'd rather play at hug o' war
where everone hugs
instead of tugs,
where everyone giggles
and rolls on the rug,
where everyone kisses,
and everyone grins,
and everyone cuddles,
and everyone wins.
-shel silverstein, hug o' war

2006-10-11T22:17:00.000-06:00

...my prayers and thoughts on the truth and beauty of real, honest, unashamed living in brokenness...

God, this is life, this is real. You don't prevent bad things from happening to us, but You walk with us through them. Thank You that we can be a mess! Life isn't perfect, it is a struggle, but You comfort us and teach us and guide us through it. You promise to always stand by us and hold us by the hand. This is You, the Real God- not the God of perfect people who have it all together, but the God of people who are a mess - who are real and broken and vulnerable and lay it all out there.

You are God most loving, most real, and most raw in our brokenness and humanness. No, we don't have it all figured out, but that's okay. You still love us more than is imaginable. In our mistakes, unworthiness, brokenness, sorrow, and loss. You do the impossible of bringing joy out of even the greatest depths of pan. You stand by us always, defend us, and tell us we are Yours. You teach us, guide us, grow us, allow us to know Your glory. You are faithful even in our complete unfaithfulness. You carry us out. You know us as noone else can, and You know our deepest secrets we are afraid to tell. You are beautiful, good, awesome, gentle God.

2006-10-10T00:06:00.000-06:00

a few quotes from can you drink the cup (henri nouwen)... i was reading this book the week of matt's accident and death

"It is not enough to claim our sorrow and joy in silence. We also must claim them in a trusted circle of friends. To do so we need to speak about what is in our cup. As long as we live our deepest truth in secret, isolated from a community of love, its burden is too heavy to carry. The fear of being known can make us split off our true inner selves from our public selves and make us depise ourselvs even when we are acclaimed and praised by many.
To know ourselves truly and acknowledge fully our own unique journey, we need to be known and acknowledged by others for who we are. We cannot live a spiritual life in secrecy. We cannot find our way to true freedom in isolation. Silence without speaking is as dangerous as solitude without community. They belong together.
... We need loving and caring friends with whom we can speak from the depth of our heart. Such friends can take away the paralysis that secrecy creates. They can offer us a safe and sacred place, where we can express our deepest sorrows and joys, and they can confront us in love, challenging us to a greater spiritual maturity." p. 96-97
this quote addresses my greatest fear and regret about matt, the loss i most mourn in him... that we, his close friends, were not able to offer him the safe and sacred place he needed to reveal himself and his deepest truth, we did not ask him to share himself enough... and still i know he was loved by many people... and i believe he knew that, and still knows

"Those who came to live with you, from whom you received much and to whom you gave much, aren't just leaving you. You are sending them back to their schools, their homes, and their families, to bring some of the love they have lived with you. It's hard. It's painful to let them go. But when you realize this is a mission, you will be able to send your friends to continue their journeys without losing the joy they brought you." p. 87
and this seems so true of matt, as well... as he leaves us, he sends us back to live with the love and smiles that he always gave to us. i long for there to be joy and blessing from matt's life, not just sorrow from his loss... so i try to remember that a genuine smile goes a long way and its okay to try to be friendly to everyone.

... i had been fearing that maybe i didn't really know matt that well, maybe i wasn't as close to him as i remembered... i was not able to be there at the hospital, and i was only able to talk with him a few times this past year, and almost noone at the memorial knew who i was... but the other day, i found these messages from him from the past year, and they just reminded me- he did miss me, he is my friend...

and one of the greatest joys for me is knowing that not only did he impact my life, but i impacted his as well. it was a blessing to watch him grow in his faith and as a man through the years i knew him.

and still... you are there, as better said by nikki giovanni:

you'll be there in the cold
like a Siamese on my knee
proud purring when you let me stroke you

you'll be there in the rain
like an umbrella over my head
sheltering me from the damp mist

you'll be there in the dark
like a lighthouse in the fog
seeing me through troubled waters

you'll be there in the sun
like coconut oil on my back
to keep me from burning

i shall save a special poem
for you to say
you always made me smile
and even though i cried sometimes
you said i will not let you
down

my rocker and i on winter's porch
will never be sad if you're gone
the winter's cold has been stored
against
you there will always be
there

2006-09-28T23:00:00.000-06:00

what a beautiful day. amazing. truly.
i wake up after
a night of joyful rest in which
i have seen many wonders:
a beautiful lightning bolt that made
my dream-self jump up and down with excitement,
good friends, much missed
one of whom i will have to miss
for much much longer...
but it is good to make memories and
see him in my subconscious even though
my waking self will never
be able to do so again.
and so there is joy in my heart
as i wake to a celebratory mariachi tune
on my alarm clock.
the sweet songs of many birds
almost like a jungle-scene,
quiet and meditation
with the sleeping cats
on the balcony, and then
off to the library, which brings me riches
in the form of a plastic card
and a new friend.
i ride bike to work
and see people
of every continent
and only a handful of european descent,
a treasure i greatly enjoy.
i rediscover my desire and love
for what i do, a passion to
learn the truth about the world
and economics and history and
to open eyes and worldviews...
supper and a spectacular sunset
and then a film on
real struggles and
good dialogue with
good people.
peace and love and
all is right again
in my heart.
finally.

2006-09-12T15:05:00.000-06:00

yesterday, i buried one of the best friends i have ever had. today, i woke up with joy and hope. to me, this is a miracle.
the last few days have been good. it is so good to remember, to laugh, to cry, to be real. to spend time in others' lives, despite the sorrowful cause of celebration. it was so good to see my beautiful sister, who understands me and knows me because we have grown up in much of the same garden. to dance and do cartwheels and talk about living each moment completely.
my drive home today was beautiful. once matty told me his favorite weather was when the temperature was in the 50's, so you could play soccer or just be outside and not be too hot. i think he would have liked it today. along the highway, beautiful little wild sunflowers grew- some individually, and others in big plants, with 25 or 30 flowers on one plant. the yellowed soy leaves gave the look of fields of gold, and i felt loved.

to love another person is to see the face of God.

2006-09-09T20:52:00.000-06:00

in memory...
a prayer i wrote in my prayer journal freshman year...
Father, I thank You so much for putting Matt in my life. He has blessed me in so many ways. Lord, You have given me a picture of a servant's heart, a selfless, giving heart, in him. Lord, I long to be molded to be like that heart of Yours. I long to be selfless. I long to be a servant - I long to be always giving of myself and filling others' needs... I thank You for Matt's faith - it's so encouraging to see guys who are truly devoted to You. I pray that I can take the time to really get to know that part of him better and see how You are working in his life. Father, I pray that You will give Matt Your wisdom and that You would reveal Yourself to him every day. Father, You are the joy!... Father, I pray that You would open his spiritual eyes to all that You have for him. I pray that he can see Your blessings poured out on him every day. Father, You are glorious! Lord, You are above all! You are all the joy in my life, and I pray that You could give the same joy to him, and more.
4/15/03

God, i don't get life right now... it feels like everything is falling apart and things don't make sense... and i know that time is a healer and someday i will be able to move on, but still, things can never be the same.

2006-09-06T13:48:00.000-06:00

the days melt into one another and every moment is filled with one and the same thought... sometimes it is a thought of joy and peace and other times it makes me so physically wired i cannot sleep. right now i'm just really scared. and the only thing that calms me is this, my prayer for matt:

the Lord is my shepherd,
i shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.
even though i walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
i will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and i will dwell
in the house of the Lord forever.
psalm 23

...as i whisper, over and over, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved, and know that each word of this song is true for you always.

2006-09-04T00:24:00.000-06:00

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
psalm 46

i need this God now, a refuge and strength and fortress when it feels like the world is crashing down and the mountains are falling into the sea and if not the earth, it feels like my heart is melting... when i truly can do nothing but be still and know that God is present and He is Lord almighty and He is present, for there is nothing i can do but pray and trust. God, please be real and strong in this time, yet Your will be done.

2006-08-30T19:46:00.000-06:00

the summer day

who made the world?
who made the swan, and the black bear?
who made the grasshopper?
this grasshopper, i mean -
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down -
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
i don't know exactly what a prayer is.
i do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what i have been doing all day.
tell me, what else should i have done?
doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
- mary oliver

... this poem encompasses my heart's cry, encompasses beauty to me. to just be still and revel in the created glory of the One whom i will never be able to truly comprehend. to remember that life is short, but a breath and it is gone. to ask what will life mean, for it is only one, so wild, and so precious. i long to live it to the full.