80's dance party, done. successfully teased my hair to ridiculous heights, felt comfortable wearing a mini-skirt with hi-top sneakers (even into a few stores, too), watched the thriller movie, and danced to "video killed the radio star" among many other favorites, while eating pop-rocks and a care bear cake. it was tubular.
i guess all i need to do now is go to the bahamas. good night!

give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.
otherwise, i may have too much and disown you
and say, 'who is the LORD ?'
or i may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God.
-prov 30:8-9
i want to live like this... not to want wealth to be stored up for use later, but to have what i need and to be satisfied in that... and to give away what i do not need. but instead, i waste what i have and spend on what i do not need. i want to be changed!

"speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy."
-prov 31:8-9
but what does this mean? how do i do this? one part of me knows there is so much i could be doing so much more, living so differently, but another part of me wonders how it would make any difference and if it really is up to me, and i stand by, helplessly confused.

and in honor of advent, one of my favorite passages- mary's song (luke 1:46-55):
mary's song
"my soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for He has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
from now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is His name.
His mercy extends to those who fear Him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with His arm;
He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant israel,
remembering to be merciful
to abraham and his descendants forever,
even as He said to our fathers."

so, poetry. so far, so good.

to you
to sit and dream, to sit and read,
to sit and learn about the world
outside our world of here and now-
our problem world-
to dream of vast horizons of the soul
through dreams made whole,
unfettered, free- help me!
all you who are dreamers too,
help me to make
our world anew.
i reach out my drams to you.
---langston hughes

last night, i began looking at job descriptions online, and it made me feel so so lonely. i am so scared to have to go to a new city, and find a new place to live, and figure out how to make enough for rent and insurance and groceries. i am scared to be so alone in figuring out what in the world i'm doing working with students, not knowing how to challenge and encourage, but trying to figure something out in how i can love them and empower them to grow in their faith. and i am terrified to have to find a new community and people to share life with and who can challenge me and encourage me when i'm struggling. and so i feel lonely and i begin to wish i just had someone who i knew would always be there, someone physical, who could hold me when i felt like i was screwing up all these students' lives, who would listen to my half-thought-through ideas of what faith is and who God is and who i am, who knows me and to whom i don't have to explain me to. and i know i'm not meant to be my beautiful engaged roomate, that i'm meant to be me and single and to go where He calls me now, but i don't know where that is and i am so scared.
i've been so blessed to have such amazing friends who i can be completely myself with, who i know will understand me and not be offended because they know what i mean and they know i love them more than i can describe. who deal with me and listen to me talk about my ridiculous struggles, sometimes the same every week. who are patient with me and love me and pray with me and encourage me and feed my desire to love my God and to be more in life and to love who i am. and i know that even if they were just for this part of my life, they have been a blessing that i can't imagine doing these last few years without... but i will miss them so much.
Abba, teach me to lean on You again, to trust You, to know You will provide for all my needs, and to remember that the life i have in following You only continues to get better and better.
better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
i would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
for the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
o Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in You.
psalm 84:10-12