eight high-schoolers made my day today. surprise voicemails= joy. earlier, i had been sitting in the conference room during our retreat, thinking about how although i love many of the people there, and enjoy the company of many more, that group of "student leaders" as a whole was still not my family. instead, when i tried to imagine a group that i would see as being as close as family, for whom i have affection that cannot be of myself, it was these same teenagers (and the others of their group) that came to mind. and just thinking of them brought a welling up of love from within me that i hope i will have for others around me this year. i am thankful that they've taught me so much, encouraged me, and been an avenue of God to remind me, comfort me, confirm in me, that youth ministry IS where He wants me. and later, remembering them and others who are family sent such a charge of the extent of God's love running through me that i was sure there was some small electrical current i was a part of. so i am joyful and at peace.

val: "i have one word for you. trash can."

dove wrapper says: when two hearts race, both win.

what a splendid long weekend. golden sand and sparkling lake, pale blue skies and rosy sunsets, white hot fires and bright stars in the blue black heavens- even some faint northern lights. lovely fellowship and good fun. and new experiences... first cigar- i wasn't very good. another try will require a much more refined cigar. first wine cooler- excellent. i'm glad that i waited until i was 21; it makes the experience that much more special.

and i feel like God taught me a lot this weekend as well. about repentance and rest, quietness and trust- in these are salvation and peace... about living a life of purity and trust and truly desiring to please Him instead of be the funniest or most laid-back or impress those around me... about listening instead of speaking, especially when i most want to yell and defend myself and let my frustration burst out of me... many lessons, so far to go.

but most of all, i learned about trust. one of the most amazing parts of this summer for me was that nolensville was exactly where i was supposed to be... although i was impatient with God and wanted Him to lead me to where i was to intern much earlier in the year, He knew where He wanted me and led me there in His own time... and although i knew it was my first choice, i had no idea how perfect it would be for me... and i was continually amazed by how much God knew me, knew what i needed, knew my desires and passions and what would help me rest and what would teach me. i could not have known what a peaceful place i would be at, so that the entire summer was like an amazing vacation for me, i did not expect to learn so much so quickly, i couldn't imagine such an awesome group of students to get to hang out with and intersect with in their lives. i didn't know how much i would love the hills and natural beauty of the area, the breakfast clubs or mission mondays or wonderful wednesday; i didn't realize i would get to experience the positive transitioning out of a youth pastor that had an unbelievable impact on and love for his students, nor did i know i would be working with someone with whom i was on such the same wavelength. overall, God knew me so much more than i know myself, and He has put me in youth ministry and this summer in nolensville, where i would never have imagined myself before, but where i fit perfectly.

and so i'm learning to trust. that He knows me best, so He truly does know what's best for my life- in decisions of career, relationships, where to live- i can trust Him that He will put me in a position that will both challenge and use me best, with people and eventually, a person, with whom i will better be able to worship Him, and in a place where i will thrive. and even if it doesn't make sense to me at first, and even if i don't want to trust, i know that i can and He does know me best and i will do well where He puts me. so even though part of me is afraid to trust, i long to hear His voice, to follow His every calling for me, to listen to where He wants me.

a weekend in michigan at the beach house holds so many possibilities, so much in store:
burying friends and large sticks, awesome times with God, beautiful sunsets, "here on the water," campfires, sitting on the beach all weekend, sunrooms, 300 pages of reading, and beloved favorite peoples.
i can't wait.

i feel crabby. hrrmph. i think it's funny when girls get mad because their crabbiness is blamed on pms. most of the time, i wish i could blame my crabbiness and being a jerk-ness on pms. but mostly, its not. i'm not pms-ing, i'm just a jerk.
i want some ice cream. or diet coke.

what lovely surprises yesterday
a surprise visit
a surprise phone call
a surprise class
a surprise dinner
i love surprises

some brilliant thoughts from some little men:
"The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set–
Or better still, just don't install
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we've been,
We've watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.
(Last week in someone's place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they're hypnotised by it,
Until they're absolutely drunk
With all the shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don't climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink–
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?
IT ROTS THE SENSES IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!
HE CANNOT THINK–HE ONLY SEES!
'All right!' you'll cry. 'All right!' you'll say,
'But if we take the set away,
What shall we do to entertain
Our darling children? Please explain!
'We'll answer this by asking you,
'What used the darling ones to do?
'How used they keep themselves contented
Before this monster was invented?'
Have you forgotten? Don't you know?
We'll say it very loud and slow:
THEY...USED...TO...READ! They'd READ and READ,
AND READ and READ, and then proceed
To READ some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!
One half their lives was reading books!
The nursery shelves held books galore!
Books cluttered up the nursery floor!
And in the bedroom, by the bed,
More books were waiting to be read!
Such wondrous, fine, fantastic takes
Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales
And treasure isles, and distant shores
Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,
And pirates wearing purple pants,
And sailing ships and elephants,
And cannibals crouching 'round the pot,
Stirring away at something hot.
(It smells so good, what can it be?
Good gracious, it's Penelope.)
The younger ones had Beatrix Potter
With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,
And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,
And Mrs. Tiggy–Winkle and–
Just How The Camel Got His Hump,
And How The Monkey Lost His Rump,
And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,
There's Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole–
Oh, books, what books they used to know,
Those children living long ago!
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks–
Fear not, because we promise you
That, in about a week or two
Of having nothing else to do,
They'll now begin to feel the need
Of having something good to read.
And once they start–oh boy, oh boy!
You watch the slowly growing joy
That fills their hears. They'll grow so keen
They'll wonder what they'd ever seen
In that ridiculous machine,
That nauseating, foul, unclean,
Repulsive television screen!
And later, each and every kid
Will love you more for what you did.

i've been quite satisfied to not have a television or computer to distract me these last few days. i much more enjoy my time with people i love than with a machine. and soon I will get back to my reading as well, and hopefully not just the school type.

so many thoughts, joys, and frustrations from the last week.
on saturday, a realization that i have no self-control or discipline and a conviction to learn them from Him.
on monday, a tiny girl waiting at the bus stop, soaring with her arms out, running around in circles in the middle of the road, squealing out of excitement for her first day of school.
yesterday morning, an amazing red sunrise over the lake, a day of beautiful rain and storms, and that evening a peach sunset over the water.
i already have senioritis and i haven't begun classes. why don't i want to be here?

as i drove back home from tennessee last monday, thinking back on memories made during my time there, i realized that the fun times and experiences i had this summer are not what made me love nolensville. it wasn't the atmosphere or the place or the things we did that i fell in love with... it was the people. although i was glad i took so many pictures and made so many journal entries, i realized pictures and memories on paper are not enough, what i will miss is who they are... i'll miss seeing the way they smile and the way they walk, hearing the way they talk and laugh and sing, i miss their feigned strength, their loudness, quietness, boldness, shyness. i miss their humanness, and i miss getting to be around them on a day to day basis. i miss seeing God working in each of them, glimpses of joy in their reactions and words. it was an amazing blessing to be able to infiltrate their lives, to watch them interact and grow and love one another, if only for a few months. and i am so thankful.
as i close my post, "ain't no holla back girl" plays on the radio. i find this both funny and ironic.
i love you, nolensville. i won't forget you.