God, i feel so cluttered. cluttered body, cluttered heart, cluttered life. i am in need of a serious cleansing. but what to purge? there is so much that really must go. i can't live like this any longer.

as i lay with my head on the floor, my ear to the hardwood, i hear the fan beating in the room underneath me, and i like it. all things are interconnected, forever.

life = sigh

there are too many people to catch up with, to keep in touch with, to show love to. and i am so blessed to have all of them in my life, but also, i am exhausted. i am sorry to those people i have left behind for too long. i am trying.

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.
- The Alchemist; Paulo Coelho

live frugally on surprise (my version)

washing dishes in the kitchen after a successful house meeting,
listening to nickel creek, i think,
"this is what life is about."
just taking joy in the small things, seeing beauty in
the people around me and the little actions
that make up everyday life.

i am incomparably happy, and i find

excessive happiness in each day.
the weather helps.
but mostly it's people
and trees
and poems.


i am glad to live fully,
being completely present,
desiring no more than
my daily bread
(and of course God's Kingdom on earth).


and there is nowhere else i'd rather be,
although perhaps there are people i wish could share life with me-
especially my sister
and women who are like sisters
and many who i don't know yet but share my dreams and visions and
frame of mind.


because it really is a great place,
this city where i now live-
ripe and longing for community
and new life
and you.

not nice

i realized this morning that i am really not a very nice person. i do want to learn to love people fully, but doing good deeds randomly is just not my thing. i long to be authentic; to be a part of healing and bring wholeness, but i very much dislike making small talk. i want real, lasting relationships, not to be fake-nice to lots of people i don't know. and for me, it would be fake. so i am perhaps not so nice, but i think i like that about me.

midwest evening

a perfect night, rainy and muggy
the blue that opens up over cornfields onto a backdrop of trees
a thousand lightning bolts dazzle the sky
that stretches out for miles in all directions
and lightning bugs fly past like shooting stars
as headlights reflect on the street, dancing with rain.

from last night at mass

Here in this place new light is streaming,
Now is the darkness vanished away,
See in this space our fears and dreamings,
Brought to you in the light of this day,
Gather us in- the lost and forsaken,
Gather us in- the blind and the lame;
Call to us now, and we shall awaken,
We shall arise at the sound of our name.

We are the young- our lives are a myst'ry,
We are the old- who yearn for your face,
We have been sung throughout all of hist'ry,
Called to be light to the whole human race.
Gather us in- the rich and the haughty,
Gather us in- the proud and the strong;
Give us a heart so meek and so lowly,
Give us the courage to enter the song.
-gather us in, mary haugen

clotheslines and a bird holding a worm

life is bright and vibrant and
there are so many things i want to learn
like belly dancing
and how to live out my ideals,
how to build a worm bin
and how to be fully alive,
speaking spanish
and how to love without holding back.

i love my new friends and my old friends and my way-back-when friends that i get to see every once-in-a-while before they begin new adventures. and i love being near my family.

i invite you to come and live here with me. st. louis is potential and dreams, open spaces and new life, people with passion and people ready to be loved. let's be community and see what God creates of this life together.

two more things i like:

wind and rain.

also, i like living in st. louis, but i still want to claim illinois as my state... am i allowed to do that?

make new friends, but keep the old

so change is good and also sad.

things i miss so far:
the worm bin
my garden
house church
many small children
many good roommates
walking to work
diversity
artists' way/ talk about life dates
surprisingly, alone time.

things i love about my new life so far:
many new people
tons of amazing opportunities
community dinners almost every night
being near to my family
cricket-sounds at night
birds in the morning
the sun shining through my window
real trees, everywhere.

this life makes me think of this phrase: going to the abandoned places of empire.

the catholic worker

so i take back that post about being a hypocrite.
but living out my words and ideals is hard; damn hard, if i may say so.
everything is new and foreign. there is much to learn.
i am overwhelmed and exhausted.
but i think all this is good.

there is a purple marlin outside the window and i am going to do tai chi.
i miss you, every one. call me.