gosh sakes. i hate chicago traffic. 30 miles in 1.5 hours is no fun. i am so glad to be leaving the big-butt intrepid at home. i like having few material possessions.
but i do like driving while the sun is setting, with the orange-red sky lighting the wheat stalks along the highway, the red light softening every tree and flower, cascading through my windows onto my skin, silhouetting the farm-houses and silos along the road, melting into a beautiful navy dusk as the huge red sun sinks beneath the earth, slowly becoming a piercingly dark night illuminated by the thousands of stars i miss so much in the city.
and coming home to my two beautiful sisters, both so gifted in their own ways, both amazingly creative.
i am blessed.

on an unrelated subject: who in the world nominated me for homecoming court? and why? i don't think i've stopped laughing since i found out. i love it.


"Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love.
We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this ins not the cse. Our trust does not bring final clarity on earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch..."
Brennan Manning- Ruthless Trust

well, that's encouraging. because it sure isn't clear here, and i'm confused and uncertain and scared out of my mind. isn't trust fun?

ps...fall colors?


i'm going to alaska!!! it's for sure! me and christine are companions, and i am quite excited. christine and val, two of my favorite people in the world. i am blessed.

and i got a free chair from the dumpster with my dearest krystal tonight. God loves me.

oh heavens, my room is in a dreadful state. my carpet is modge-podged together, my husband is falling apart at the seams, and my laundry is long-overdue for a cleaning.

what a blissfully fun weekend. new best friends at fika, seeing my beautiful rebeca and such an entertaining party, a little labyrinth for movie night, then seeing fall colors and beautiful shoreline at indiana dunes, putting up a tent and cooking over the fire, eating too much and laughing all night. i do love my life.

ing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband," says the LORD.
"Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.
"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband- the LORD Almighty is his name- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

Isaiah 54:1-5
singleness is a blessing, and i will enjoy it and live it to the fullest.


i want to go back to the time when i'm kazi's daughter with blanche and mary is his wife and our family makes chairs and exchanges them with chris' family to get fish for dinner. why do we have to save up and store up and set aside? why can't we be satisfied with our daily bread? manna meant "it is enough." why isn't it enough anymore? why can't i be satisfied to get my meal for the deal instead of wanting more things? when did people become commodities in the pursuit of profit and accumulation so that we who are the rich could have more and more things- the luxury goods like the computer i'm using right now? when will we care again? how can we get back to subsistence living and a society with a market instead of a market society?

at least one class this semester holds my attention every minute.

i want my life to be worth something real, something for others, something true. i want to search for truth and love people more than getting money or even saving my own life. if my life would be so valuable, i would be willing to die at 24. watch the constant gardener. you'll understand. i am different because of it.


i just want to stop. and thank you baby.
in the margins of my lecture notes:
i want to go apple picking in an apple orchard i want to wear a sweater and go on a walk to see the fall colors i want spin around in circles a hundred thousand times and fall down in laughter i want to skip through the streets holding hands i want to get lost in a maze of corn i want to sit in a pumpkin patch i want to go camping and watching the stars under a blanket i want to jump in a pile of leaves i want to carve a jack-o-lantern i want to be giddy-scared at a haunted house i want to go on a hayride and drink apple cider i want to breathe in the cool crisp fall air and taste its life i want to know i'm tiny and dance in my insignificance and Your greatness!

anyone want to join me? i'm excited for fall.

more joy: my tiny disfigured kitchen is danceable! i just danced in it. to "let's get it on."


val: "let's go screaming and running through the library." i want to run through the halls of my... um... library? (i want to scream at the top of my lungs!)

why do i get annoyed when i don't get my way? i am blessed beyond belief. i love my life.


sometimes i feel like i've chosen a path through the forest to this amazing lake, and i've hiked and hiked until i've found it, and then i realize the lake is really a swamp... and although i've gone to where my goal was, when i get there, i realize it was never meant for me. and instead of going along the path to which i can see the end, i need to take the path that is marked with my name, although i don't know where it will take me, because it was meant for me. i set a goal of who i want to be- how weird or funny or smart or similar to some person... and then, after time, i get there and then i see that the traits i've chosen to pursue are really worthless and not meant for me. and so i'm unsatisfied with myself, even frustrated. instead i'd rather be where God wants me, who He wants me to be. and it's never where i'd expect or even at first where i'd choose or think i'd be happy. but when i get there, though i don't know where i'm going, i'm so satisfied. and i learn who i truly am, as He teaches me my true name, my true passions, my true desires, my true needs, my true heart. and even though i don't think i'll ever get there in this life or know who i am completely or any of that, the journey is so much better than anything else i could imagine, being held by His hand, skipping across fields and through the streets of life, weaving in and out of people's lives, landing in different geographic locations and locations of the heart. and it's so true that the more i learn, the more i realize how little i know, how much more there is to learn. but it is joy and bliss and love to be with Him in His hand through it, a song and a dream and being swept up into His arms all at the same time. it is every good thing to be in Him and held by Him. and He never lets go.
i was senseless and ignorant; i was a brute beast before You. yet i am always with You, You hold me by Your right hand. psalm 73:22+23


what a weekend. old navy, borders, hobby lobby. so many stores. lovely friends i've not seen or talked to in a while. good catching up. beautiful outdoors, tree climbing, swinging, lava tag.
but now i'm confused. i'm confused about life. i thought God said the door is open, but i can't find the door anymore. and do i even want to go into that room? i thought God said leap, but when and where to?
but then i played cards with val. and i won some rummy and snerts. and then i felt good about me. so look at me, i'm good at something. but i don't like m&m's anymore.


i'm so happy i want to cry. sharing life, relaxing to silly chick flicks, reconciliation, puddling in the first rain in my new home, love from my beautiful sister.
life is absolutely wonderful.


The fact that men and women were created in God's image is particularly significant. God's plan for community and unity was based on the equality of the human beings God had created and on their equal participation and full partnership. The Hebrew words 'ezer knegdo are used as a descriptor for woman in Genesis 2:18. 'ezer is frequently translated as "helper," which some have come to interpret or understand as an inferior or one in a supporting role. Unlike the English word "helper," the Hebrew 'ezer implies no inferiority; in fact, this word most frequently (fifteen of twenty-one uses) refers to God in the Old Testament, meaning protector or rescuer. Its modifier, knegdo, means "suitable," "face to face," "equivalent to," or "visible," and indicates that God created an equivalent human being to be a good companion for man. This rules out authority and subordination for either man or woman.
Called & Gifted; Covenant Publications

wow. i feel empowered, valuable. like i'm not second-class, like Someone loves me and believes in me and has made me so He can use me. that feels good. i didn't know i felt otherwise before.


eight high-schoolers made my day today. surprise voicemails= joy. earlier, i had been sitting in the conference room during our retreat, thinking about how although i love many of the people there, and enjoy the company of many more, that group of "student leaders" as a whole was still not my family. instead, when i tried to imagine a group that i would see as being as close as family, for whom i have affection that cannot be of myself, it was these same teenagers (and the others of their group) that came to mind. and just thinking of them brought a welling up of love from within me that i hope i will have for others around me this year. i am thankful that they've taught me so much, encouraged me, and been an avenue of God to remind me, comfort me, confirm in me, that youth ministry IS where He wants me. and later, remembering them and others who are family sent such a charge of the extent of God's love running through me that i was sure there was some small electrical current i was a part of. so i am joyful and at peace.


val: "i have one word for you. trash can."

dove wrapper says: when two hearts race, both win.


what a splendid long weekend. golden sand and sparkling lake, pale blue skies and rosy sunsets, white hot fires and bright stars in the blue black heavens- even some faint northern lights. lovely fellowship and good fun. and new experiences... first cigar- i wasn't very good. another try will require a much more refined cigar. first wine cooler- excellent. i'm glad that i waited until i was 21; it makes the experience that much more special.

and i feel like God taught me a lot this weekend as well. about repentance and rest, quietness and trust- in these are salvation and peace... about living a life of purity and trust and truly desiring to please Him instead of be the funniest or most laid-back or impress those around me... about listening instead of speaking, especially when i most want to yell and defend myself and let my frustration burst out of me... many lessons, so far to go.

but most of all, i learned about trust. one of the most amazing parts of this summer for me was that nolensville was exactly where i was supposed to be... although i was impatient with God and wanted Him to lead me to where i was to intern much earlier in the year, He knew where He wanted me and led me there in His own time... and although i knew it was my first choice, i had no idea how perfect it would be for me... and i was continually amazed by how much God knew me, knew what i needed, knew my desires and passions and what would help me rest and what would teach me. i could not have known what a peaceful place i would be at, so that the entire summer was like an amazing vacation for me, i did not expect to learn so much so quickly, i couldn't imagine such an awesome group of students to get to hang out with and intersect with in their lives. i didn't know how much i would love the hills and natural beauty of the area, the breakfast clubs or mission mondays or wonderful wednesday; i didn't realize i would get to experience the positive transitioning out of a youth pastor that had an unbelievable impact on and love for his students, nor did i know i would be working with someone with whom i was on such the same wavelength. overall, God knew me so much more than i know myself, and He has put me in youth ministry and this summer in nolensville, where i would never have imagined myself before, but where i fit perfectly.

and so i'm learning to trust. that He knows me best, so He truly does know what's best for my life- in decisions of career, relationships, where to live- i can trust Him that He will put me in a position that will both challenge and use me best, with people and eventually, a person, with whom i will better be able to worship Him, and in a place where i will thrive. and even if it doesn't make sense to me at first, and even if i don't want to trust, i know that i can and He does know me best and i will do well where He puts me. so even though part of me is afraid to trust, i long to hear His voice, to follow His every calling for me, to listen to where He wants me.


a weekend in michigan at the beach house holds so many possibilities, so much in store:
burying friends and large sticks, awesome times with God, beautiful sunsets, "here on the water," campfires, sitting on the beach all weekend, sunrooms, 300 pages of reading, and beloved favorite peoples.
i can't wait.