what a beautiful day. amazing. truly.
i wake up after
a night of joyful rest in which
i have seen many wonders:
a beautiful lightning bolt that made
my dream-self jump up and down with excitement,
good friends, much missed
one of whom i will have to miss
for much much longer...
but it is good to make memories and
see him in my subconscious even though
my waking self will never
be able to do so again.
and so there is joy in my heart
as i wake to a celebratory mariachi tune
on my alarm clock.
the sweet songs of many birds
almost like a jungle-scene,
quiet and meditation
with the sleeping cats
on the balcony, and then
off to the library, which brings me riches
in the form of a plastic card
and a new friend.
i ride bike to work
and see people
of every continent
and only a handful of european descent,
a treasure i greatly enjoy.
i rediscover my desire and love
for what i do, a passion to
learn the truth about the world
and economics and history and
to open eyes and worldviews...
supper and a spectacular sunset
and then a film on
real struggles and
good dialogue with
good people.
peace and love and
all is right again
in my heart.


yesterday, i buried one of the best friends i have ever had. today, i woke up with joy and hope. to me, this is a miracle.
the last few days have been good. it is so good to remember, to laugh, to cry, to be real. to spend time in others' lives, despite the sorrowful cause of celebration. it was so good to see my beautiful sister, who understands me and knows me because we have grown up in much of the same garden. to dance and do cartwheels and talk about living each moment completely.
my drive home today was beautiful. once matty told me his favorite weather was when the temperature was in the 50's, so you could play soccer or just be outside and not be too hot. i think he would have liked it today. along the highway, beautiful little wild sunflowers grew- some individually, and others in big plants, with 25 or 30 flowers on one plant. the yellowed soy leaves gave the look of fields of gold, and i felt loved.

to love another person is to see the face of God.


in memory...
a prayer i wrote in my prayer journal freshman year...
Father, I thank You so much for putting Matt in my life. He has blessed me in so many ways. Lord, You have given me a picture of a servant's heart, a selfless, giving heart, in him. Lord, I long to be molded to be like that heart of Yours. I long to be selfless. I long to be a servant - I long to be always giving of myself and filling others' needs... I thank You for Matt's faith - it's so encouraging to see guys who are truly devoted to You. I pray that I can take the time to really get to know that part of him better and see how You are working in his life. Father, I pray that You will give Matt Your wisdom and that You would reveal Yourself to him every day. Father, You are the joy!... Father, I pray that You would open his spiritual eyes to all that You have for him. I pray that he can see Your blessings poured out on him every day. Father, You are glorious! Lord, You are above all! You are all the joy in my life, and I pray that You could give the same joy to him, and more.

God, i don't get life right now... it feels like everything is falling apart and things don't make sense... and i know that time is a healer and someday i will be able to move on, but still, things can never be the same.


the days melt into one another and every moment is filled with one and the same thought... sometimes it is a thought of joy and peace and other times it makes me so physically wired i cannot sleep. right now i'm just really scared. and the only thing that calms me is this, my prayer for matt:

the Lord is my shepherd,
i shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.
even though i walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
i will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and i will dwell
in the house of the Lord forever.
psalm 23

...as i whisper, over and over, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved, and know that each word of this song is true for you always.


1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
psalm 46

i need this God now, a refuge and strength and fortress when it feels like the world is crashing down and the mountains are falling into the sea and if not the earth, it feels like my heart is melting... when i truly can do nothing but be still and know that God is present and He is Lord almighty and He is present, for there is nothing i can do but pray and trust. God, please be real and strong in this time, yet Your will be done.