(for matt)

so they want to make, in your memory, a law
to more heavily punish those like jennifer...
ironic, knowing your infrequency of anger
and bad habit of talking on the phone while driving.

personally, i would prefer to remember you
by planting a rose garden or an orchard in your name...
but i understand and respect that others grieve
and knew you differently than did i.

they said you were too good for this earth,
an angel who had to be taken to heaven...
but i remember your imperfections, your secrecy
and troubles with honesty (and not just about your age).

sometimes, you drove me crazy
with your stubbornness, but i am so glad
you were human... i want to remember you
as you, not some perfect picture.

they said you were so smart,
and you were, but i remember when
you rented an apartment, in the middle of the ghetto, completely unfurnished.
you slept on a mattress on the floor for 2 months.

they all say you were always smiling,
but i remember both the blank look
when you were distracted and wouldn't let anyone in
and the serious look when you were explaining the scientific
technicalities you knew so well.

they say how much you impacted their lives,
and you did me, too,
but i know as well what a difference i made in yours
and i am humbled.

they talk about how you strengthened their faith,
but i remember you never wanted to talk about it,
were too shy to say what you believed
except that you loved your church.

and yet it was a joy to watch you grow,
brought me more faith and joy and love for you
when you would talk about growing in your
newman retreats and Bible classes and adventures in nature.

they remember how you knew everyone,
but i wonder how deeply you really did
and read your postcard that says how hard
it was that one summer getting to know people.

they said you were so friendly,
and you were, but i remember your shyness
and not always knowing what to say...
not always having to say something.
you were such a good listener.

today, as i rode my bike to work,
my hands freezing, i remembered your gloves,
and the ones i always meant to send you, as a gag gift,
and i wished i had your hands to warm mine - or at least your gloves.

as i see your message from last christmas,
wishing mine to be happy, and missing me...
i have been good, and i miss you too...
i wish i didn't have to miss you so long, brother.

i love you, friend.


do we truly even live in a true capitalist society, a true market economy, any longer? the forces of supply and demand have been manipulated and distorted to something false and artificial - demand is no longer determined by need or true desire, but by commercialism and the advertising industry - instead of the demand being met by a supply, we change the demand according to what supply we have. is this any longer a true market? are we any longer living by "the invisible hand" to work harder when it is really the new visible hand of advertising, spilling lies into our brain from every outlet possible, that pushes us to work longer hours, take on another mortgage or loan, get more needless stuff, and end up with less happiness? it doesn't seem so to me.


i sit here, the sun streaming through the window, dust floating slowly, quietly. as i eat my orange, tiny sprays of juice mist from the peel. i am captivated. something about this moment feels... right. peaceful, perhaps. the silent, graceful, gentle dance of the dust seems deliberate, knowing that the rush of life is really for nothing. i see this hurried pace of life in the people i love who surround me here, and i cannot understand it. life is too short to waste in the everyday hurry... much too short, for some.