sometimes i wish
i could have held his broken body in my arms
just so i could believe this is real.

and a poem for the day:
santa anas
second summer
clothed in warmth
and sunshine
can this be


my joy has come, i dance and jump and run outside... the street glistens, the raindrops shine in the streetlight... i take a walk, i jump in puddles, i spin and squeal (i gather spectators)... mostly, i rejoice. my wet hair and soggy pants are prized trophies on this day... and i am reconciled with sounds i have missed- cars driving through puddles, rainspouts dripping their excess, and a low rumble of thunder. it is a glorious day!
and a little more joy:
i will not play at tug o' war
i'd rather play at hug o' war
where everone hugs
instead of tugs,
where everyone giggles
and rolls on the rug,
where everyone kisses,
and everyone grins,
and everyone cuddles,
and everyone wins.
-shel silverstein, hug o' war


...my prayers and thoughts on the truth and beauty of real, honest, unashamed living in brokenness...

God, this is life, this is real. You don't prevent bad things from happening to us, but You walk with us through them. Thank You that we can be a mess! Life isn't perfect, it is a struggle, but You comfort us and teach us and guide us through it. You promise to always stand by us and hold us by the hand. This is You, the Real God- not the God of perfect people who have it all together, but the God of people who are a mess - who are real and broken and vulnerable and lay it all out there.

You are God most loving, most real, and most raw in our brokenness and humanness. No, we don't have it all figured out, but that's okay. You still love us more than is imaginable. In our mistakes, unworthiness, brokenness, sorrow, and loss. You do the impossible of bringing joy out of even the greatest depths of pan. You stand by us always, defend us, and tell us we are Yours. You teach us, guide us, grow us, allow us to know Your glory. You are faithful even in our complete unfaithfulness. You carry us out. You know us as noone else can, and You know our deepest secrets we are afraid to tell. You are beautiful, good, awesome, gentle God.


a few quotes from can you drink the cup (henri nouwen)... i was reading this book the week of matt's accident and death

"It is not enough to claim our sorrow and joy in silence. We also must claim them in a trusted circle of friends. To do so we need to speak about what is in our cup. As long as we live our deepest truth in secret, isolated from a community of love, its burden is too heavy to carry. The fear of being known can make us split off our true inner selves from our public selves and make us depise ourselvs even when we are acclaimed and praised by many.
To know ourselves truly and acknowledge fully our own unique journey, we need to be known and acknowledged by others for who we are. We cannot live a spiritual life in secrecy. We cannot find our way to true freedom in isolation. Silence without speaking is as dangerous as solitude without community. They belong together.
... We need loving and caring friends with whom we can speak from the depth of our heart. Such friends can take away the paralysis that secrecy creates. They can offer us a safe and sacred place, where we can express our deepest sorrows and joys, and they can confront us in love, challenging us to a greater spiritual maturity." p. 96-97
this quote addresses my greatest fear and regret about matt, the loss i most mourn in him... that we, his close friends, were not able to offer him the safe and sacred place he needed to reveal himself and his deepest truth, we did not ask him to share himself enough... and still i know he was loved by many people... and i believe he knew that, and still knows

"Those who came to live with you, from whom you received much and to whom you gave much, aren't just leaving you. You are sending them back to their schools, their homes, and their families, to bring some of the love they have lived with you. It's hard. It's painful to let them go. But when you realize this is a mission, you will be able to send your friends to continue their journeys without losing the joy they brought you." p. 87
and this seems so true of matt, as well... as he leaves us, he sends us back to live with the love and smiles that he always gave to us. i long for there to be joy and blessing from matt's life, not just sorrow from his loss... so i try to remember that a genuine smile goes a long way and its okay to try to be friendly to everyone.

... i had been fearing that maybe i didn't really know matt that well, maybe i wasn't as close to him as i remembered... i was not able to be there at the hospital, and i was only able to talk with him a few times this past year, and almost noone at the memorial knew who i was... but the other day, i found these messages from him from the past year, and they just reminded me- he did miss me, he is my friend...

and one of the greatest joys for me is knowing that not only did he impact my life, but i impacted his as well. it was a blessing to watch him grow in his faith and as a man through the years i knew him.

and still... you are there, as better said by nikki giovanni:

you'll be there in the cold
like a Siamese on my knee
proud purring when you let me stroke you

you'll be there in the rain
like an umbrella over my head
sheltering me from the damp mist

you'll be there in the dark
like a lighthouse in the fog
seeing me through troubled waters

you'll be there in the sun
like coconut oil on my back
to keep me from burning

i shall save a special poem
for you to say
you always made me smile
and even though i cried sometimes
you said i will not let you

my rocker and i on winter's porch
will never be sad if you're gone
the winter's cold has been stored
you there will always be