12.07.2005

last night, i began looking at job descriptions online, and it made me feel so so lonely. i am so scared to have to go to a new city, and find a new place to live, and figure out how to make enough for rent and insurance and groceries. i am scared to be so alone in figuring out what in the world i'm doing working with students, not knowing how to challenge and encourage, but trying to figure something out in how i can love them and empower them to grow in their faith. and i am terrified to have to find a new community and people to share life with and who can challenge me and encourage me when i'm struggling. and so i feel lonely and i begin to wish i just had someone who i knew would always be there, someone physical, who could hold me when i felt like i was screwing up all these students' lives, who would listen to my half-thought-through ideas of what faith is and who God is and who i am, who knows me and to whom i don't have to explain me to. and i know i'm not meant to be my beautiful engaged roomate, that i'm meant to be me and single and to go where He calls me now, but i don't know where that is and i am so scared.
i've been so blessed to have such amazing friends who i can be completely myself with, who i know will understand me and not be offended because they know what i mean and they know i love them more than i can describe. who deal with me and listen to me talk about my ridiculous struggles, sometimes the same every week. who are patient with me and love me and pray with me and encourage me and feed my desire to love my God and to be more in life and to love who i am. and i know that even if they were just for this part of my life, they have been a blessing that i can't imagine doing these last few years without... but i will miss them so much.
Abba, teach me to lean on You again, to trust You, to know You will provide for all my needs, and to remember that the life i have in following You only continues to get better and better.
better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
i would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
for the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
o Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in You.
psalm 84:10-12

1 comment:

Read said...

heather i miss you! guess what? i turned 18. i'm excited. come see me soon. come to warmth in winter. it's the last weekend in january. be there.