some reflections from my journal triggered by last night's conversation...

it is still hard for me to picture You as Mother... it's weird because it's not like my father was perfect, yet i can imagine You as Father so quickly... mostly because i've done it so often, for so long - and my mother is wonderful, yet I have no idea what it means that You are my Mother - still the Biblical God, but as mother - I just don't understand, probably because there are almost no writings from that viewpoint, and there are tons from the other, describing and explaining You as father

... and truly something in me shies away and even cringes when i try to imagine what it means that You are Mother - uniquely and truly feminine... perhaps it is true, I have succumbed to the claim that women are the weaker sex, the dumber ones, the less valuable ones. I devalue myself when I believe that... and yet, somehow, arrogantly, I feel I am part of the minority that is greater than normal females or maybe less feminine in some of my qualities...

I have given into the lies that label men as the stronger sex, the provider, the sturdy and consistent ones, while women are moody, unconstant, weak, sensitivie and generally dainty. What has this done to my self-image and view of women? I think this is why I hesitate in picturing God as woman. How do I fight these lies? Why is it that the good qualities in strong women are labeled as masculine, while her weaknesses are uniquely feminine? Why can't I see a new image of woman, especially as the indigenous woman, who works just as hard as the man and often is given more responsibility and leadership:
woman is mother - who births new life, nurturing life inside her and so around her as she cares for the earth. woman is in tune with the rhythms of the earth through the cycles of her own body - let us see this not as a curse, but a blessed part of life and creation... woman is therefore in tune with herself, understanding and dealing with her feelings. woman works hard in the field to provide the every day sustenance for her family. she teaches her children to become adults; so often in this country, she does it without a partner. woman longs for peace - she teaches these ways to her children and so can teach these ways to the world.

... and even after all that, I have trouble seeing God as woman... but maybe it's the tiniest bit better... and so it must be, through practice, it will become more and more natural.
I still have much to work through - it seems clear to me that this problem is linked to my own personal identity problems and my weaknesses and faults and how i see myself as a woman. It is hard to love myself as I am, in my imperfections, and still see a perfect example of a woman in God's identity.

God, please reveal Yourself to me as mother; give me a chance to experience You as woman, as the divine feminine.
Another thought I had as I continued to reflect on this is that I truly don't know what it means to be woman... all the definitions I have come from the way culture and society has forced women to be through time, or as a reaction to that definition... but what are women- truly and honestly, if women became what God created us to be as humans in the Creator's image? without the years of oppression and inequality, with imposed roles as housewives or virgins to be wooed? what does it mean to be a woman? i am at a loss.

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