so many thoughts, swarming my mind and i don't know where to begin to understand or even look at them clearly... thoughts about the justice church, about how our desire to appeal to society, to make sure not to offend people, in order to get a lot of people "in the door" legitimates the culture's worldview, consecrates the social order, helps to maintain the status quo, and in the end allows our faith to cease being a prophetic religion... thoughts about broken people with real hurts, who have been through abuse and oppression and discrimination and poverty and prejudice and violence and all kinds of injustice, who have real pain and real insecurities and also real desires and real dreams and real needs... overwhelming thoughts about how to do youth ministry, to teach and encourage and empower students when i can't even decide what christianity is essentially in its core or where to begin... thoughts about what the church really is and what the purpose is of "going to church" and why it is important... thoughts about the likelihood of my season of singleness going on for several more years, if not more, and how that makes me simulatenously feel both free and open and able to dance with God as He leads me as well as lonely and unlovely and like i'm missing out... thoughts about sin causing self-centeredness, disregarding my shortcomings and believing i deserve something extra, causing insensitivity and inability to empathize, inability to love, and seeing these creep into my life in my pride and my opinions and my over-confidence... and yet so many more thoughts as well

yet in a small way, i know that He will lead me and teach me and bring me through, that He is more than enough to overcome my own inadequacies and love selflessly through me as i can't do on my own.

i feel i have so much more to say and yet all i have already said is nothing.

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